BINGE

I was all set to write about being off the plateau, and I shall, but first, it being Sunday, we're going to have Confession. And I'm not even Catholic.

Last night, I sorta pigged out. It's really the first time since I started this journey that I engaged in what I would consider a genuine pig-out. I deliberately ate past fullness, even though I knew I shouldn't and even though it made me uncomfortable. Even though I knew I had just set a new microgoal, and that today I have two challenging food situations to manage. Even though I had just come home from the gym. Even though I know better.

Why on earth did I do this?

Well, there were several things leading up to it. My eating was off all day,even though up to that point I'd eaten as planned. We had a rehearsal staged from 11 - 2, right over lunch hour, and since I am an early riser I knew I would have to plan carefully. I delayed breakfast and then had a deliberately larger breakfast than normal, so when 2 p.m. rolled around I wasn't even hungry. But I ate the salad I'd planned anyway, and headed off to the gym for an hour of cardio. It was cold yesterday, and as I returned home, I felt sapped of energy, a sure sign that I needed to eat. Lunch had been light on protein. I nibbled while I was prepping dinner and made a pizza, which was satisfying and healthy.

But. I hadn't had my planned snack, and I wanted something sweet. I was full. I should have had a piece of chocolate, brushed my teeth, and called it a night, but instead I made cornbread and mixed up what I'd been craving: cookies. I made experimental cookies with the cornbread mix, peanut  butter, oatmeal, walnuts, and dried cranberries, and I ate way too much of the batter. And then I had a cookie on top of that.

I knew exactly what I was doing and I didn't stop myself. This is the scary part. It was as if I were challenging myself. Standing on a ledge and daring myself to jump. I knew what was going to happen and I did it anyway.

Afterwards I was uncomfortable from eating too much. I didn't like the feeling and am not anxious to repeat it. Strangely, I am not angry with myself, upset with myself, or feeling guilty. I almost feel as if I got something out of my system. I've been wanting to bake the whole time I've been here; maybe by repressing it so hard, I triggered this little binge. Maybe I should have allowed myself to bake cookies and then taken them to rehearsal and given them away. Next time, that's what I'll do.

I do not feel that I am on a slippery slope. I could be, but I 'm not. It's over and I am back to my usual frugal eating habits. Today, I am about to go to brunch with a friend. I've already decided that this is not an excuse to indulge. I don't know what the menu offers, but I already know what I'm not getting: anything laden with fat and sugar. Tonight the cast is getting together to watch the Oscars. I'm bringing homemade guacamole with fresh veggies for dipping, some fruit, and I'm marinating some tofu to make cutlets so I'll have some lean protein. I know there will be a lot of junk food there, but I am going to load up on veggies.

And I'm taking my gym bag to brunch, so I can hit the gym on the way home. Not for penance, but because I need to work out every day while I'm here. I want to continue my ride down from the plateau.

Speaking of which, now that I'm off the three month plateau, it's a strange adjustment in thinking from just plugging along, trying to maintain equilibrium,back to a weight loss mindset.

It was disappointing and often frustrating not to lose, but strangely, I did not feel discouraged. I felt that I simply hadn't found the right combination of factors to help me start losing again, that I hadn't stimulated my metabolism to the right level yet. And at the back of my mind, I considered the possibility that I'd lost all I was going to lose --- but ultimately, that didn't feel right. It seems there should be more.

So, now the metabolism has had a proper shaking up, it's time to get back to a "losing mentality". One of the things that has helped me a lot is setting microgoals, with little deadlines. It's been a really long time since I did that, and the thought of a new microgoal is very motivating! So here it is: I go home on March 9, and by that time, I want to have lost another two to five pounds.

This is a very ambitious goal for the remaining of my time here, given the rate at which I'm losing now and the challenges ahead. But it's good to have a challenge.

So off I go to brunch, with my challenge in mind, my reminder bracelets and my NEVER MORE THAN TODAY necklace on to help me keep my eye on the prize.

It's a journey. There are detours. The important thing is to just get back on the road and keep going.

Comments

[Cindy]

Annimal, this is one reason I recommend the Beck book. Please check it out, and also her new one, The Complete Beck Diet for Life. There are very specific techniques for learning to deal with emotional eating. They aren't foolproof and they take work, but they are successful. Of course, there are times when you're going to go ahead and eat. The important thing is not that you did it --- it's normal. You have to acknowledge that it happened, don't beat yourself up, and just move on. Try to analyze what made you eat, and next time try to slow down and catch it happening before it gets to the point where you're actually eating.

NancI, the cookie idea is great ... for those who can resist cookie dough. I've discovered that the only sweet I can keep in the house is chocolate, which for some reason I can dole out in small pieces and be perfectly satisfied with. If I kept cookie dough in the house I would have my face in the freezer every half hour until it was gone! :)

Laura, welcome and thank you. I'm totally not beating myself up. :) I don't believe I need forgiveness or to cut myself a break; I did nothing that requires it. This trip-up is an absolutely normal part of life and of a weight loss effort. It happens and you wish it hadn't, but it's not some big tragic failure. It's just a bump in the road. You acknowledge it, you deal with it, and you move on. :)

[Laura (diet queen)]

Being a newbie weight loss blogger myself, I fell in with love your site and posts! I just discovered your posts. Keep it up. And don't beat yourself up about the cookies. We all fall off and pick ourselves up...

[NancI]

Cindy, something that works for me is to make a small batch of cookie dough, create small balls to make smallish cookies with, bake just a couple and freeze the rest, rolled up in plastic wrap and plunked into a freezer bag in the freezer. On those days/evenings when I just HAVE to have something sweet I take out 2 of the frozen cookie balls to bake. Two warm cookies and a half cup of skim milk (if you're not lactose intolerant)is just what I need. I only do this when I just can't stand it if I don't have something sweet or desserty. I find if I bake the cookies with the idea of taking them into work I'll eat a heck of a lot more of them than if I just bake what I need to satisfy my sweet tooth.

[annimal]

I had the same thing happen last friday after a particularly trying phone call to school (son flunking math-not eligible-blah, blah) Emotions flying. I needed a few things at the grocery store and of course right inside the door was a plate of fresh cookie samples. Usually I can refuse, but I took one and IMMEDIATELY felt something release inside me. I bought 2 dozen (saying to myself--this is a binge, this is emotional eating)but feeling utterly unable to stop myself.
I ate 6 cookies and felt sick. so I stopped.
Emotional eating in response to stress.
What do non-emotional eaters do?
That's what I would like to know.
If I was an alcoholic I would have hit the bottle,
gambled if I was a gambler, etc.,
How do "normal" people cope when emotions get the better of them?
Any clue? and if ANYONE mentions "bubblebath" I will puke.

[Cindy]

Issy, the issue is not having dessert. I have dessert on a regular basis! What you have to be careful for is the thinking and the behavior --- I ate more than planned, and I ate when I was already full. I could have waited a while to see whether I wanted something else. I could have had a small piece of chocolate to satisfy my sweet tooth, and made the cookies another time. The breakdown point is that I didn't listen to my body and ate past fullness, and also ate more than I should have. This type of eating is not in response to hunger, but to emotions, and it's what we have to be very careful about.

Please understand that I am not beating myself up. I don't feel bad about it at all. I wish I hadn't done it, but I feel that the occasional slip-up is normal and no big deal. For longterm success, though, it's important to analyze what's going on and strategize about how you can keep it from happening in the future. :)

[issy]

those cookies sound good. it isn't a big deal to break your diet as long as it isn't a habit. for goodness sake, you can't live without dessert once in a while.

[kelley]

Thanks for being honest, then the rest of us that binge once in a while don't think of ourselves as weirdos that are all alone. Haha.

That's pretty impressive that you went to an Oscar party with all the junk food laid out and you stuck to your plan. I'll remember that next time I go to a party.

[Cindy]

Twyla, I admit ... that was one of my first thoughts, complete with the WOOOOOOOOO!

Rahree, it seemed important to come clean about it. It's life. It happens, and you shrug and move on. At the party tonight I looked around and saw other people, people much thinner than me, eating just as much if not more. Tomorrow I imagine we'll all take it easy (I sure will)!

Sancho, welcome, and you're right. All or nothing is not a helpful attitude when it comes to successful weight loss. There are sometimes gray areas.

[Sancho]

You're absolutely right here - one of the big traps we can fall into is the "all or nothing" mentality where even one slip makes us feel like failures and leads to thoughts of "Oh, why even bother trying?"

Being both an opera fan and a (newbie) weight loss blogger myself, I love your site! I only just recently discovered it courtesy of the New York Times, but it's a great read. Thanks!

[Twyla]

OMG ALL THE PROPHECIES OF THE TROLLS ARE COMING TROOOOOOOOOOO......

Congrats on keeping it real, babe. Life happens. We deal.

Yanno?

[rahree]

That last paragraph is the key, isn't it! I did something similar on Thursday, and it was ok...I'm back on the horse, not beating myself up about it, and am feeling strangely renewed from it. Thanks for writing about your recent experience - it may have been difficult to write, but your readers (this one, specifically) really needed to read it!