TODAY I AM WILLING

I made myself get on the scale this morning, and while the report wasn't good, it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd feared. Since coming home from Minnesota, I've allowed myself to be distracted by my hectic schedule and I've gotten a bit lazy with the techniques that helped me lose 130 pounds. I haven't exercised as faithfully and there has definitely been a lot of slippage with the eating --- little nibbles here and there, a few too many indulgences --- and those add up quickly.

I have, however, stuck to my commitment to work out at least half an hour a day, every day this week. Yesterday I did a good hour on the elliptical at the gym. It was a day off, so I could do more.

Tonight is opening night, a performance day, and it has special challenges. A full hour workout would be too tiring, so in a few minutes it's off to the gym for a quick half hour on the elliptical, on high resistance to increase the effectiveness of the workout. I also have to be very careful about not eating enough to get me through the show. There's a party after the show, which means champagne and fancy goodies, and I would like to enjoy some of those. Recently I've been sloppy at the parties, not planning ahead and eating too much. I've been eating very light today, and tonight, I am planning just one glass of champagne (sob ... I LOVE champagne) and one small plate of goodies, no seconds. I'm taking a big salad to the theater to help fill me up, but it occurs to me that perhaps I need to add a little bit of carbs, which I didn't originally plan in (thinking I'd be getting a lot at the party).

Tomorrow afternoon, the cast is going to the Salt Lick, one of the area's best barbecue joints and one of the few open pit barbecues left in Texas. Since Eric is a vegetarian, I rarely get barbecue any more, so it's a real treat. But again, I have to be careful. I'll eat extremely lightly tomorrow, my regular breakfast and then maybe just an apple and homemade peanut butter as a snack. The meal is coming late afternoon, so it will serve as a combination lunch/dinner. And I'll be sure to hit the gym for a full hour tomorrow before I go, and if the weather cooperates, a nice walk when we get home.

Confession time: in my heart of hearts, I'm afraid that I'll mess it all up. That I'll start the long, slow slide back into overweight. That fear keeps rearing its ugly head. But when it does, I try to be calm and tell myself, "It doesn't have to be that way. I know what to do, and I just have to keep doing it. Getting off track and gaining some weight is a normal part of the process, and something I will have to deal with all my life. I cannot allow myself to get discouraged. Instead, I have to go back to being strict with my eating, following the techniques that helped me lose in the first place, and planning my food every single day."

I truly believe that this system works, and that no matter how many times I fall, all I have to do is pick myself up and keep going. I wish that food weren't such a terrible temptation. I wish that I could eat what I wanted and not worry about it, that I was one of those people who was a natural athlete with a naturally high metabolism. But I'm not. I have other gifts instead, gifts I wouldn't trade even for those. And that means having to work at staying fit, just like most of the world.

So for today, I am willing to stick to my strict food plan even if it means having to be very careful about what I eat at the party tonight, and for the next couple of weeks. Today, I am willing to go to the gym and work hard for a half hour. And that's what I'm going to do, right this minute.

Comments

[Karen]

I remember the barbecue place we went to for your birthday. Oh. My. God. That was all kinds of fabulous. If this place is even slightly comparable, foodgasms for everyone. : D

You've proven that you can do this time and again, despite lots of challenges and a very long road. You're still here, you're a helluva lot smaller, and you're still taking really, really good care of yourself. You've proven the Hyenas wrong. Even now, they're wrong. I think the benefits you're enjoying now far outweigh any whiny Hyena or any temptation that might sneak up on you. The new habits aren't so new anymore....they're YOUR habits now.
*bigsquish*

[Aburami]

Good post. It's so hard sometimes to balance your health objectives with your social life. One thing I actively resent about trying to lose weight is dealing with other people's perceptions of my efforts. That it's all a bit sad, or doomed to failure, or that I should just "lighten up and have fun" tonight. I find these reactions far more common that anything resembling genuine interest or support. And yes, I understand completely the fears of failure. I really think the "one day at a time" approach you've expressed here, despite what a bland, 12 Step platitude it's become, is the best, as long as it's undertaken with real and conscious intent. Sorry for the ramble, thanks for the post, and please keep the blog up. You've been an inspiration, and a real pleasure to read.

[beach bum]

And how will you mess it all up? By choosing to do the things that allow that to happen. It's all about choice.

Sometimes, when life gets crazy, we choose to live unhealthily because it's easier than the alternative. But never forget that it's a choice.

I've come close to having my ideal body several times in my life, but have never gotten there, because I've chosen to focus on other things.

I think that sometimes when dealing with these issues, it helps to remove the good vs. bad choice from the discussion.

I may not have the washboard stomach I would like, but that's because I've chosen not to spend 3 hours a day in the gym. To me, there's nothing wrong with that choice, it's just a choice.

In your case, you've chosen to be slightly less disciplined with your life in the past little bit. Not a good or bad choice, it just happens to be the choice you've made. When you're ready to choose more discipline in these areas of your life, you will.

And while you're still working on losing pounds, remember that most people fluctuate a few pounds here and there throughout their lives. Some have regular yearly fluctuations of 10-15 lbs, depending on their diet, their activity levels, and how their body responds to the seasons. (Never forget genetics!)

So keep those normal fluctuations in mind when you're thinking about your weight.

Good luck. You will not mess this up!

[Cindy]

Thanks, everybody. The words of support are very helpful!

HS, actually the better comparison would be if I were to attempt to STOP singing (horrible ... it would most likely kill me, or at least turn me into a miserable human being). That's the kind of effort the weight loss is. Stopping singing would actually be much harder. But I get what you're trying to say, and appreciate the vote of confidence.

Kelley, your SO is very naughty for making those yummy pretzels! Maybe you can save one to have later, as a treat.

Ana, thanks for the hug. I realize that just because someone has a high metabolism or is athletic doesn't mean that they don't have to work at being healthy, too! One of my response cards reminds me that slender people have to watch what they eat, too. I think maybe it's just more automatic for a lot of them. Anyway, I did have a good workout, and I've done very well with my eating today, too. I'm at the theater now, getting ready to start the show, and I have resisted the array of goodies that people always bring on opening night. I brought my response cards to read before I go to the party, and I am reminding myself that it's just food; there will be more; and I can have some another time. :)

[Ana]

Cindy, I hope you had a good workout. I am thinking of you.

I might have been one of those "high metabolism" skinny athletes in the past--but not anymore. Not sure if it always stays like that with time.

So my heart goes out to you, maybe because I have had my severe ups and downs with these issues.

Thanks for this blog and sharing, inspiring.

I also will work out each day without over-working out.

Hang in there! I send a virtual hug?!

[kelley]

Have fun tonight! I'll be thinking of you, as I did last night when I really wanted one of the chocolate covered salted caramel pretzels that my honey made. Thanks for keeping me strong.

[H. Skippety]

You won't mess it up.

I think it's as improbable that you'd reverse your hard work here as quit doing what it takes to be a singer.

You've done what it takes to do this, just as you've done what it takes to have a career in a highly competitive field.

You can do what it takes, you are doing what it takes, you've already done what it takes, and you will continue to do what it takes: one day at a time.

Did I leave any essential verb tenses out?