Merry Christmas! And thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has commented or emailed me about the last post. I would like to respond to each person individually and plan to do so, but it may take a few days. Please know that your support and suggestions are very much appreciated.
Yesterday was a rough day chez nous --- just lots of stupid things happening like glasses breaking and computers crashing, and you know, when you're already off your game, those little things roll into a snowball of magnified importance until they seem overwhelming ... until they bust up against reality and you see them for what they are, a bunch of irritating but hardly insurmountable little bumps in the road. Nevertheless, we managed to have a really lovely evening and we've also had a lovely and relaxed Christmas Day. I hope all of you are doing the same.
Somewhere in the midst of all the mayhem, the lightbulb turned on and the angels sang. Laaa! I have been so obsessed with what I cannot do (for the present; I may very well be able to do it again) that I have really not been very open to other possibilities. When the journey first began, daily exercise would have been an impossibility for me (psychologically more than physicially). The thought of running never entered my mind as something I could do, let alone something I would want to do, something I'd be upset if I couldn't do. It was very important to let exercise come to me naturally, on my own terms, as opposed to somebody else telling me what and how and how much I ought to be doing. Taking charge of my own health and doing it my way has been central to my success. So maybe one reason this is all so upsetting now is that my choice has --- however temporarily --- been taken away and I am being told that the best thing for me right now is something I've been opposed to doing.
I'm not keen on the idea of swimming. First of all, doing laps in a pool seems incredibly boring. (I don't like to run on a track either. What's the point of running in circles)? Secondly, I'd have to wear a bathing suit in public. Nobody needs to see that. And finally, it's a lot of trouble. You have to find a convenient pool, which is not always that easy, and you have to get your hair wet (which means taking the time to dry and style it after every workout; and if you color your hair, and I do, it really messes with it). However, aqua jogging has been suggested by a couple of people, and that I might be able to get on board with. I'm not particularly attracted to the stationary bike, but again ... maybe I need to try a spinning class. The point is, there is stuff I could be doing, and maybe I won't like it much at first, but maybe I'll come to like it a lot. The point is, I have to try.
I'm not happy with my body right now. I am not happy with the problems it's having, and to be perfectly frank I am no longer happy with my current weight. I give myself credit for the work I've done, but I also acknowledge that it's time for a new tack. I am not sure yet exactly what that should be, so the first job is to figure it out. And while I am doing that, I'm taking inventory of all the little places where I've been slipping, because they add up.
Here's the thing. I was able to lose this weight because for two years of my life, I was able to concentrate on it with an almost religious intensity. I have not been able to sustain that level of intensity during maintenance, no matter how hard I've tried; but all this means is that maintenance requires something different.
I'm going to find out what that is. That is the next mountain pass in the journey. I bet the view from the top will be magnificent.