DIVORCING THE CUPCAKE

Everybody knows someone like this --- the woman who has it all together except she just can't seem to beat her attraction to bad boys, the nice guy who continually wastes his time on shallow girls who just use him and move on. When it comes to our relationships with food, a lot of us are like those lovely but clueless friends of ours. We never learn our lessons and we keep going back to things that hurt us.

The free e-newsletters from Livestrong often have good info and motivation for healthy living. The one that showed up in my mailbox today had a link to a great blog post by Sarah Metzger about making radical changes to her diet. "By ditching the foods that weren’t honoring my body I’ve ushered in a new clarity, "she writes. "I’ve derived a great deal of power from building my own plan, my way."

Any long time readers of this blog will recognize that sentiment --- I'm a My Way kinda gal, too, and believe that is what finally allowed me to be successful after years of battling yo-yo dieting. I like Sarah's way of thinking about food --- she chooses to honor her body. She chooses to avoid things that don't.

There was also a lot of gold in the comments section, including quote from TLJax :

"I made a decision almost a year ago to divorce myself from the foods I was courting. I realized they promised to make me feel good, but left me like an unfaithful wife, fat, lonely, and in the dark. I still fuel the body, but with the whole, natural foods you hinted at when you write about eliminating the processed stuff. Now, 133 pounds lighter on my very grateful feet (not to mention knees), I'm living large instead of being large!"

Go, TLJax! I love that image of divorcing yourself from food that was filled with empty promises (and probably empty calories). I too have had to divorce certain foods, although every once in a while their siren call lures me back. I absolutely cannot keep sweets in the house --- except, inexplicably, chocolate, which I adore but can eat in small increments. And refined carbs of any kind must also be kept at arm's length. If I keep them in the house or make them a regular part of my diet, it's just a matter of time before the slide down the slippery slope takes off. It's better to enjoy them as an occasional treat, when I'm out to dinner or bring leftovers home. My best weight loss happened when my philosophy was to eat the smallest amount of carbs per day that I could get away with.

In his excellent book, The End of Overeating, Dr. David A. Kesseler discusses how the food industry deliberately invites us to "consider any occasion for food an opportunity for pleasure and reward" (p. 80), based on reports that show that consumers feel they deserve more treats and indulgences, and that food is very often seen as a good way to reward oneself. To that end, they strive to make food more than nourishment --- it's an experience.

If you want to divorce yourself from that type of slavery, you have to decline to use food itself as a reward. That doesn't mean depriving yourself, which doesn't work and in fact backfires, but it means not allowing yourself to think of food as the prize you get for (fill in the blank). If you want to indulge yourself, do it because you want an indulgence, but don't fool yourself into thinking you've earned it, not if you are trying to manage your issues with food. You can't bargain with it. Food is fuel, food is nourishment, food is an indulgence --- but you can't "pay" for calories by doing all your homework or cleaning the house on your day off. 

"We need to decide what rewards we want and then have  a plan that helps us control our behavior," explains Dr. Kesseler (p. 255). "...My mental representation of that stimulus and my emotional responses define my behavior to a great extent."

OK, so I don't like his use of the word "reward" in conjunction with food, but I do like his point. Understanding what your challenges are and having a plan in place to deal with them greatly increases your chance of getting the outcome you want. It helps YOU stay in control and make choices that help you reach your goals. And it's all about getting YOU back in control.

So, for me, that means limiting my contact with my "bad boyfriend" foods. That might mean not bringing them in the house and staying away from restaurants that serve them. Divorce, hell! I'm putting out a restraining order against them.

It doesn't mean you can't ever have your bad boyfriend foods, but if you're going to indulge, it's got to be under controlled circumstances. You have them outside your home, and you make a deal with yourself ahead of time as to how much you're going to have. You enjoy every moment of it and then you GO HOME AND EAT SIMPLY for the next several days until you're sure you're still on track. It may sound extreme and a little paranoid, but hey --- there's a good reason for that restraining order and if you spend too much time around that particular food, you will soon remember what it is.

At least, that's how it works for me. Look, no one likes living with the food police. But having been there, I like living without them even less. Besides, who else will enforce that restraining order I just took out against cupcakes?

Comments

[Lois Carden]

It sounds like you are on the right track and I
admire your determination. I need a restraining
order on several things but haven't yet got to
that total commitment.

[Karen]

I've said it before, and I'll say it again....dearheart, you have GOT to get published. You've just got to! And the nanosecond you do, I'm totally buying your book!!