I had a bad experience last night.
It'd been a long day, starting with a very early morning --- had to travel quite a distance for a short radio interview, and back again --- followed by a long afternoon of rehearsal. Then there was a break, during which I rested a little and got divafied for an evening concert/publicity event. I knew there would be tempting food, and I had a small snack in the afternoon, so I could enjoy some appetizers at the party. My colleague and left the house in plenty of time to get to the event ...
... and we ended up spending two hours driving around lost in the cornfields, trying to find our way to this place. We got there an hour late, just in time to sing.
Of course, we were both hungry, but there wasn't much food left, and what was left was sweets and cheese. I had way too much of both. I slipped right back into old, old habits, out of frustration and a false sense of "deserving" to eat something good after my tiring and frustrating day. Then, everybody went out to a local restaurant and I ate more, even though at that point I didn't need it.
What a bad idea.
Well, I am not going to sit here beating myself up about it, though I am not happy with myself for doing it. I got up this morning and had a healthy breakfast of yogurt and fruit; and later I will have salad. Friends are coming over tonight and we are going to cook together --- I will keep my contributions healthy and light, using ingredients from the farmer's market. And I will work out. I will remind myself that I DO have different habits now, but I still have to work at them. I so do not want to backtrack and right now the biggest enemy is simply the fear that I will, that somehow I don't have the willpower or discipline to maintain. It does take an enormous amount of both.
Again, the old struggle: where is the balance between being kind to yourself and keeping a firm grip on the truth? When does maintaining a positive outlook become a set of blinders? Another question I feel I will have to answer for myself over and over.
At any rate, all I can do is deal with today, right now. All I can do in this moment is not eat between meals, be careful about what I do eat today, and dedicate myself to my workout.
I started another round of P90X this week --- this time I am doing the version which concentrates on cardio, which I feel I need more than resistance training. I have done two of the workouts --- Core Synergistics, a challenging but fun workout that has a little bit of everything; and a new one, Cardio X, which was shorter but also more concentrated than some of the other workouts. Today is strength training and abs.
On other days, I have been eating relatively healthfully. At last I've had the time and inclination to do a little simple cooking; I throw together veggie-heavy meals that can be quickly heated. I will work on continuing this habit when I finally am home for a little while.
One day at a time, right?
Don't beat yourself up! You have been so amazing to concentrate so well on your overall health and exercise -- during what looks to a layman like an extremely grueling and draining time away from home -- it's perfectly understandable to have let down your guard at the cheese/dessert buffet. Sometimes I ask myself,"What would a really loving, nurturing mother say to me right now?" And the answer is usually, "Don't be so hard on yourself. Love yourself and give yourself a little space. Trust yourself that a few petits fours, even a few days in a row, will not send you on a rocket ship to a 100 pound weight gain." I'm cheering you on! Melanie
Posted by: Melanie | July 31, 2011 at 10:23 PM
{{{{you}}}}
Posted by: Karen | July 31, 2011 at 07:50 PM
One of the best things someone told me when I had kids was that in Realityland -- 24/7 responsibility for years and years no matter what else is going on in your life -- a really good parent gets it right about 70% of the time. It's been many years since then and I can safely say that plenty of times I've I lost my temper when I shouldn't have and blew off things I shouldn't have and sometimes did too much for them and other times too little, and as a result I know for sure my kids did not have a perfect mother and I know for sure I will blow it again. But I am also confident I've been a good mother -- or as the big phrase once was, a "good-enough" mother.
The questions you raise in dealing with food when it comes to willpower and discipline, being kind versus being too kind, apply with so many areas of life! In crisis or celebration or humdrum routine, dealing with food is always, always there. I see the parallels with parenting, money management, all sorts of things.
It seems to me you are a "good-enough" eater, and I think in Realityland that is definitely something to be proud of.
Posted by: H. Skippety | July 31, 2011 at 07:49 PM
sometimes it's one hour at a time!
Posted by: Jane | July 31, 2011 at 02:52 PM
One day at a time. For all of us. You continue to inspire me.
Posted by: Susaneichhorn | July 31, 2011 at 12:21 PM