THE ETERNAL QUESTIONS

"I can't remember how it felt to be losing and in control like before, " writes longtime reader TokyoCowboy.  He is job searching, and in his down time has found too much time to indulge his passion for cooking. He's gained back more weight than he'd like from his losing streak over the past two years, and now is also battling inertia as he works to get back to a healthier lifestyle.  "How did I/you do it then? Why was our motivation so strong and even seemed effortless at times? How do we regain that focus?"

These questions couldn't be more timely; they are the same ones I have been struggling with for the past several months. One of the findings of my (very informal and unscientific) personal research into the world of major longterm weight loss is that, at least among those bloggers who report faithfully on their efforts, there is a "rebound" period. After that initial success, which can be months or years in coming, there comes a time in the maintenance where the fervor dies down, the iron hold relaxes, old habits and desires begin to creep back in, and before you know it, the scale is creeping back up.

And to that, I'd like to say, "Well, duh. It's not exactly a big surprise." If we were not wired and/or conditioned to have issues with food, with eating, with exercise, we would not have gotten fat in the first place. These issues are not going away. They are not going to be eradicated. They can only be managed, and there are times in our lives when we will do that better than others.

My personal hope and goal is to recognize and stop the drift before it gets out of hand, every time. And I confess that it sometimes makes me feel a bit like a loser, a faker, and where this blog is concerned, a Pollyanna. Why can't I beat it? I lost all this weight, I changed my body and my lifestyle, and yet I am still not where I want to be and I am still fighting my inclinations every single day. I am very much afraid of gaining it all back, and that's a fear that, for a while, I thought I had beaten.

One thing that helps me get through these bouts of negative thinking is to recognize and call them for what they are. As long as I keep telling the truth about my struggles, I'm not a faker, and it may even help others. One of the problems with the weight loss industry is the whole quick fix, just do this and you'll never have to worry again mentality. There's this big LIE that you can lose weight easily and keep it off easily. Or that once you've lost it, that's that --- you're home free and never have to worry about it again. This is what they're selling, and it's a big lie, and it's damaging to the rest of us ordinary people. 

You see these people losing ridiculous amounts of weight in a few months but you don't see them two years later when they've gained half or all of it back. You don't see their ongoing struggles. The reality is, it IS an ongoing struggle, and sometimes you're going to be more successful than other times. The reality is, it's important to recognize that while you aren't perfect, you HAVE achieved wonderful things, and you can keep on achieving.  It's important to tell those Hyenas of Doubt that persistence is more important than perfection, so they can shut the hell up and get out of your face. And it's important to be honest with yourself about what you are actually doing, how much and what you're actually eating, and why.

I've been a writer since I could hold a pen; actually, I dictated my first "book" to my mother before I could even write. Writing helps me process; so this blog serves as a public diary of a very personal issue. I'm also a performer, wired to require an audience, and this is a type of performance. I worry about my performances --- they are for me, but they are also, more importantly, very much for my audience. There is an energy exchange that happens with every performance. The performer and the audience feed each other. I always worry that I'm not feeding my audience well enough. So this blog motivates me, and it helps me hang on when the days are particularly difficult, and it also serves as a reality check.

So back to TokyoCowboy's questions. How did it feel to lose and be in control? I'm not sure I ever was in control of anything, but I was on a mission. I had a plan, and I had rules that I made for myself. They truly were my rules, not imposed by some outside authority. Sometimes they went against conventional wisdom. It didn't matter. It was about what worked for ME.  And having that plan and those rules empowered me to stick to it. They were MY choices. I took guilt and shame out of it --- sure, now and then they rear their ugly heads, but I've gotten pretty good at beating them back --- and took ownership. And pretty soon, the work was its own reward. And it felt really, really great. It felt strong. It felt like something I could do the rest of my life.

That's how it worked for me. It might not work that way for everyone.

How did we do it then? How did we stay motivated?

We did it by finding something that worked, and working on it every day. It's not magic and it's not glamourous. It was really hard, just like it's hard now, and will always been hard --- though some days, less than others. We got excited about what we were doing. And we managed to stick with what worked long enough for it to become a habit. I can't speak as to what motivates anyone else, but for me, constantly reinforcing my goals and constantly making conscious choices helped, and seeing the scale and the clothing sizes go down was a big motivator.

I'm an artist. Artists, and anyone who is creative, know that we have a well from which our creativity springs. But it is not bottomless. It must be refilled with beauty, good smells, art, wonderful ideas, other people's work, nature, great food, soul-wrenching music ... all the things that move us, delight us, make us feel, make us think. We have to feed our souls in order to replenish that wellspring.

And we have to feed our souls in order to replenish our strength, determination, and ability to persevere in any endeavor, but especially one as hard as reprogramming unhealthy inclinations towards food and eating.

How do we regain that focus?

The hardest part, as noted, is overcoming inertia. You may make several false starts. It's like a little kid learning to ride a bike without training wheels. She's going to stumble, even fall. She's going to get going a little ways and then lose her balance. But if she keeps at it, pretty soon she'll be whizzing up and down the streets of the neighborhood.

So it's really, really not important that you try and fail. What is important is that you try again, and again, and again, until you get the hang of it again. You go back to the things that worked for you last time. They may need to be redecorated. They may need shiny new packaging. But the basic concept will be the same because it's a truth.

And here's the other thing: you may very well not need to go back to square one. You probably don't need training wheels at this point. You might just need to go slowly, and not too far from a wall you can lean on if you start to fall.

Don't worry about tomorrow, or even lunch time. Think about this moment, and what you can do in this moment. And go from there.

That's my plan, this time around. If it doesn't work, I'll redecorate until it does.

ReBoot Camp Day Four Report:

-did Yoga X this morning with my friend grunting and groaning alongside ... yoga's more fun in pairs. Maybe I just don't like to suffer alone (though really, I love it).

-read my list before breakfast and lunch but forgot to do so before snack, and at the grocery store when I snagged a sample bite of cheese without even stopping to think about it. That will need some work.

- Have eaten on plan thus far.

- Plan to walk after dinner.

 

 

Comments

[Jenna Willson]

Good post and especially about good food, the Famous Jack Lalanne once said if its man made dont eat it I guess thats why he was health all of his life.

[N. G.]

You are a very positive person.I really like your list!I think that the secret is within the nutritional value of the food you eat. As long as it's not a plastic food and you don't overeat...you can definitely change your body.

[Astrid]

Great entry! I love your dedication and determination. Here's food for thought re: the supermarket samples: when I was hospitalized with a severe gastric problem, one of the three specific things the specialist asked me about was whether I'd eaten any sample foods in a store recently (the other two were buffet restaurants and sushi). So, stay healthy!

[Tokyocowboy]

Wow! what a great answer, so full of encouragement, insight and hope. I look back at my food journals, and see many many starts which means i haven't given up. That is encouraging in itself! Perhaps control is asking for too much. A Mission, yes that much I can do. I've done it before.