My job is really kind of crazy. When I'm on a gig, on any given day, I might be called for 6 hours of rehearsal or 2 or half an hour or none at all. You usually don't get your schedule until the night before, so you have to be very organized if you have other projects. It's easy to find yourself sitting around in your bathrobe until 1 p.m. Not that I EVER do that, mind you.
Right now I'm in my workout togs. It's a day off, we had a big patron party last night, and I slept in. But I'm ready to head down to the hotel gym for an hour on the elliptical, then to the practice room to do some work on music for upcoming gigs, and then home to get ready for a less official party in the evening.Yeah, yeah, rough life.
Over the last week, enjoying the peace and beauty of the home where I am staying, the stillness here has helped me slow down a little mentally at least and focus. I've been writing a food plan every day, and for the most part sticking to it. I have not worked out every single day, but I've run regularly, gone to the gym, and done P90X here at the house. The house is stocked with good stuff, and I've resisted bringing temptations in, unless they were planned.
The other day as I was in the park stretching in preparation for my run, an old gentleman who had been watching me rolled down the window of his car and said, "You sure are flexible! I couldn't do that even when I was a teenager." I said, " I'm doing it now so I'll be healthy when I'm older." He waved and grinned, and answered, "Well, you're in great shape now!"
It really put a spring in my step as I ran. I have never thought of myself as being in great shape. In great shape is a far away and much longed-for goal. I'm in pretty good shape for someone of my age and build, and I'm in a whole lot better shape than ever before in my life, except maybe when I was an active kid. But hey, on some level perhaps it's relative.
I have a lot of guilt and shame tied up with gaining some of my weight back. I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror, and I still haven't been able to get on a scale. I just don't want to know what the real damage is. I am trying to find balance and reason, and not to buy into the guilt and shame, which are so destructive and counterproductive. And I know I am not alone in this. But as I've said many times, all you can do is keep working at it. My baby steps right now are focused on healthy eating with reasonable portions, and trying to figure out what a sustainable eating program looks like for me now. I'm also working on what a sustainable training program looks like now. I feel enormously guilty when I don't work out every day, but I also no longer seem to have the gumption to do it, at least not right now. I shoot for "most days". 5 out of 7 is good. Getting back to running is helpful. And it's also very helpful to remind myself that I have the tools and I know how to use them.
And so, I am off to use them right this very minute. Slog on!