It's taken me a while --- quite a while --- to get off my haunches and work out again. In fact, I think this has been the longest I've gone without working out since I broke my wrist back in 2009. My last workout before today was on Thanksgiving Day, when I went for a run. Since then, not a day has gone by when I haven't said to myself, "Tomorrow, I HAVE to work out."
Well, two days ago I laid out my exercise togs. I procrastinated all day long today, but I did finally slip in that P90X disc and do the first workout of the series, Chest and Back (lots of pull-ups, which I have never been able to do and merely fake; and lots of push-ups, with a few weight-lifting sets for good measure). I had mentally excused myself from doing the sadistic Abs Ripper, which has always been so hard, but after I got done with the lifting I knew I had to go ahead and do it, or I'd hate myself.
I am embarrassed by how much fitness I've lost in just a few short weeks. I'm embarrassed by having such a hard time with this. True confession time: for the past several months, I've been thinking that maybe it's time to end this blog; but I can't bear to do it on a negative note, at a time when I am struggling so hard and feel so unsuccessful in my efforts. There has got to be a way through this and I am determined to find it.
So as I struggled through the workout today, able to do so much less than I could just a few weeks ago, I repeatedly told myself that it didn't matter. What matters is that I showed up. What matters is that I tried, and I did what I could, and pushed through. And it will matter even more if I get off my butt and do it again tomorrow.
I've started another food plan. Yesterday I did really well with it; today slightly less well. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that I keep moving forward.
And that's all I've got today. Not glamourous and not particularly inspiring, but it's part of the journey, isn't it? I am hoping to get back that lovin' feelin' one of these days, and the only way I know how to do it is one step at a time.
Please keep writing your blog! I've been reading it for a couple of years and I really take a lot from it. Along with everyone else your struggles, successes, performances, food plans...all of it is a source of inspiration and humanity for me. And besides, I'm an opera lover...
Posted by: Marta | December 19, 2011 at 08:53 AM
Perhaps it is time to accept where you are weight wise as just fine. I don't read your blog just to see how you are doing with your weight...I love reading about your life in general. So selfishly, I hope you continue your blog. But I wish you all the best in what ever your choose to do!
Posted by: RebeccaNYC | December 18, 2011 at 08:25 PM
hey lady -
firstly, remember that this is YOUR journey. The eating-reprogramming and the blogging are two different facets of the journey; you can give yourself permission to walk away or keep on with one or both, as it suits your goals.
that being said, we'll miss you if the blogging goes by the wayside, but we'll hope that it's not a permanent thing. (and even if it is, we'll be happy to have a role model who makes choices that are right and healthy for herself, rather than putting others first.)
thanks so much for everything - positive, negative, and everything in between - thus far.
Posted by: rahree | December 18, 2011 at 06:18 PM
I hope that you don't discontinue this blog, but if you feel that is best, it would be understandable. I find reading it an inspiration. Not only because I get a vicarious thrill from reading about how "real" singers live (not always a good thing for me to be doing as it brings out the little green-eyed monsters) but because your rigorous honesty, your humor, and your ability to connect some of your struggles and issues with what is happening in the larger world, help me, anyhow, put many things in perspective.
Posted by: Dalila Valentine | December 18, 2011 at 05:42 PM
I would be sad to go without a weekly dose of your wonderful spirit and creativity, but I would completely understand if you felt you needed a break! You have inspired me though your up times and down, and I am so grateful to you for having shared part of your life with me!
Posted by: Melanie | December 18, 2011 at 04:54 PM
"Should" is a dirty word! I find it amusing in my own life that sometimes it takes me several days to build up the motivation to start exercising after a while off. Good for you for allowing the motivation to build up and doing it. Sometimes I feel somewhat shamefaced when seeing how long it's taken me to build up the gumption to go for a run or head to the gym. But it's not about shame.
Ultimately, I find it more helpful to make it about choice. Some favourite quotes from a science fiction author I enjoy, "Anything worth doing is worth doing well." and "If you choose an action, you choose the consequenses of that action." and "If you desire a consequence, make sure you choose the actions that will lead to that consequence."
When phrased in the language of choice, rather than shame or guilt or fear, I find it makes it easier to actually get up off the couch. Because when you're operating from a place of shame, there is a risk that you might fail and experience more shame...and it might be better to avoid that risk. But when you are simply choosing an action that has a desired consequence, there is no shame and no risk of failure.
Courage! Whatever happens, you are loved.
Posted by: Beach Bum | December 18, 2011 at 11:51 AM
I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how quickly you can rebuild that fitness by simply 'showing up.' Woody Allen said, "Eighty percent of success is showing up."
I think if the blog helps you to show up for yourself, for your own sake and benefit and happiness, keep it going. I think if it's become a burden or a hindrance to your showing up for yourself, let it go.
This blog has always had a spirit, now that I think of it, on the importance of showing up for yourself and finding your own way to health and wholeness rather than feeling like a failure because you're not doing it somebody else's way. In that spirit, I think the blog needs to be measured along with everything else -- is this the tool for your journey right now, or is something else wanting to happen.
And I say that as a devoted reader who makes daily checks to see if you've posted anything new . . .! Selfishly, I hope you'll continue the blog, but not if it no longer serves your wholeness.
Don't I sound just like I'm from Southern California? :-D
Posted by: H. Skippety | December 18, 2011 at 06:23 AM
Please don't quit your blog! As you say yourself, keeping fit is an ongoing process. Your journey inspires so many others, and you tell it in such a unique, articulate, humorous, down-to-earth way. I love reading about your performances and auditions, and it's really fun to see you looking so glamourous in your beautiful gowns! I'm making a new start (at an old weight), and hope to have you there to encourage me.
Posted by: madam minerva | December 18, 2011 at 03:54 AM
I have really been appreciating your sharing, both the exhilarating and the more recent harder times. I've been following you for quite some time and have found your entries very encouraging, even these last. I will miss this blog if you decide not to continue. I hope you don't.
Posted by: nan | December 18, 2011 at 12:32 AM