The Next Hundred Pounds

THE ONGOING BATTLE WITH BODY IMAGE

Weirdly, now that I have gained some weight back, I am struggling with body image more than I ever did when I weighed over 300 pounds. I am still thinner than I was 10 years ago --- yesterday I ran into a colleague I last worked with in 2002, and he went on and on about how great I look now.  It was gratifying, but the voices inside were saying, "You should have seen me two years ago!"

But my new affirmations, mantras, reminders, whatever you want to call them are helping. They're what's needed right now. And so are things like this article. I particularly like #8. It's so true --- we worry over all the wrong things.

I am working with two amazing, beautiful, glamourous women right now. We are all different body types. One is tall, with gently rounded curves; she looks like Linda Carter. One is willowy, slender, with a dancer's body and exotic looks. And then there's me, short, hourglass figure with lots of extra sand. The skinniest one of us is the one who, several times, has referred to herself as a "fat opera singer". She's the one who sings the sexy roles, and she thinks she's fat. Everybody else thinks she's hot and gorgeous.

What's my point? Well, all along the way I've been mulling the fine line between holding yourself to a healthy standard and not beating yourself up. And I've come to the conclusion that it's a spectrum rather than a line in the sand. Some days pushing yourself is what you need; other days what was pushing might be punishing; it depends on where you are mentally that day. My goal is to stay on the pushing side; while recognizing and backing off when it veers into punishment.

I am not sorry about the journey I undertook, the pressure I put on myself, the hard and time-consuming work I did --- I wish I could keep it up, but in this new phase I must acknowledge that I can't, and figure out what I CAN do. Success in weight loss and management is rooted in finding out what you can sustain.

So: I'm doing very well with keeping up with workouts. Power 90, every day --- it's less time than P90X and also easier, and that's okay for now, though I do want to get back to P90X in a couple of months. As much "found" exercise as possible --- lots of little walks, stair climbing, parking far away from the store. It does add up and it does count! I'm not doing quite as well with food, but I'm not pigging out either. What I need to work on most is not bringing tempting stuff into the house, and easing back on the carbs in general (ain't that ALWAYS the case).

Meanwhile, today I am wearing a sexy top that makes me feel good, and making sure to divafy the hair and face. When the hyenas of doubt are yapping, sometimes the best armour is to doll up so you can face the world feeling sassy.

STRESS AS A FACTOR IN FITNESS

It never occurred to me that, in my years-long struggle towards better fitness, that I would need to worry about stress. Weight? Various health issues resulting from years of being overweight? Sports injuries? My neverending struggle with food? Sure, all of those were and are constant considerations, but the idea that I needed to pay attention to my stress level just never entered the picture. After all, I've always been pretty happy, overall, and in my circle of friends I tend to be the one others come to for advice (Yes. I am a bossy know-it-all. It's part of my charm).

Stress was just one of those things you put up with, take a deep breath or a long hot bath, cry if you have to, drink a glass of wine if it's been a really bad day, and then get up the next morning and get on with your life.

But over the Christmas break, I had this mysterious, debilitating illness ...which after much investigation turned out to be nothing more than the accumulation of stress, stress I didn't even realize I was feeling. And while I am doing SO much better, and physically am back to normal, I now realize that stress is another factor of the overall fitness picture that must be accounted for.

Meanwhile, as I continue to struggle and flounder and somehow keep my head above water (but only just), one of my daily battles is to JUST SAY NO to shame and guilt. It is more than counterproductive; it is destructive. And I've worked too hard to be self-destructive now.

Yesterday was a very long day of rehearsal; and though I'd planned to come home and work out in the evening, at the end of the day it was more important to go out and unwind with my colleagues; and this unwinding ended up involving many more carbs and calories that I really needed to be taking in. As I drove home, I told myself that today, I would get up and work out first thing. I would write out a food plan and stick to it.

And I did. I'm sitting here now, sweaty and stinky, food plan for the day sketched out and cardio/abs workout accomplished. But before I did that, I did arts and crafts.

When I woke up this morning, I knew I needed something extra to help me get off the emotional roller coaster; I needed to make a stronger effort to get back the basic tools I have used so successfully in the past and that work. I needed reminders about why I am doing what I'm doing, but this time, they needed something extra, something that pertains to the present aspect of my ongoing battle. My response cards had been the most powerful weapon in my arsenal; but after a while, they lost some of their power.

So this morning, I made a beautiful little booklet to carry with me and read every day, every time I need reinforcement or reminding. Every time I sit down to eat, or make a decision about whether to work out. There's room to write more in it, but right now it has one special entry. I really thought about it. I thought, "What do I need to hear right now, every time I make a decision about whether to eat or not to eat, what to eat, whether to work out or not, how much, what to do? How do I keep this from becoming yet another stressor?'

And this is what I came up with.

It reads:

Right now, I start over.

Right now, I commit to my best health and fitness.

Right now, I choose to eat that which will help me be healthy; or not eat that which will slow my progress.

Right now, I choose to move and care for my body.

Right now, I acknowledge my struggle, celebrate my success, forgive my failure.

Right now I am beautiful, healthy, fit, successful, and strong.*

 

Feel free to use it, if it helps you. If you reprint it, please give me credit. If you repost it somewhere, please link back to this blog post.

To me, it's really important to acknowledge living in the now. This is the best I can do right now; and if moments before I read this I've just eaten a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's (which, BTW, I did NOT do last night, though great was the temptation) it doesn't matter because right now I am starting over. That's the wonderful thing about this journey. You get to start over as many times as it takes.

 

*Copyright Cindy Sadler, 2012. All Rights Reserved.

NINETEEN MILES!

So, today was a day off, and I was determined to get my workout in first thing. It was also a gorgeous day, so I wanted to be outside. And that's how I ended up riding 19 miles on the Legacy Trail. It's a 10.6 mile trail that runs along an old railroad corridor, from just south of Sarasota to Venice.

To be honest, it's not all that interesting a trail. It is long, straight, and flat. The only change in this is a single highway crossover, which is quite steep, and a couple of bridges over creeks or bays.  But mostly, it's flat. The good thing is that that makes it very easy!

There are nice little covered rest stations about every mile, with benches so people can sit out of the sun and rest. There are several parks along the way that you could peel off and explore (I didn't, this time); and a couple of times you cross water, and there are places on the bridge to pull off and enjoy the view.

I didn't see much wildlife --- mostly squirrels, a great blue heron (above), and some vultures.

I rode all the way to the end of the trail, the Venice train depot, and then turned around and went back. On the way out, I didn't stop much, just kept peddling; but coming back I was a little tired! So I took my time and took a couple of pics.

I stopped off at one of the little stations and enjoyed my snack of homemade trail mix and a pear (I needed it by then --- I'd intended to ride for about two hours tops, and it ended up being more like three).

I wasn't too tired right after the ride, but once I got home and had my shower and a big salad, it really hit me! Whew! But it didn't stop me from heading out again, this time for a walk on the beach and dinner on the water. It was a good day.

However, I have also learned a lesson, and that is that I am deceiving myself about my power to control intake of  kettle corn and yogurt-covered pretzels. They are crack and must never enter my living space again. There have been Incidents this week. So they are banished from the home henceforth and forthwith. You know, I never have this kind of trouble with fruit.

Anyway, I need to find mo'betta bike trails in the area, because I could really get into doing more long rides. As dull as that trail was, it was better than working out inside on a beautiful, sunny day! However, tomorrow I will be doing just that ... long rehearsal day, which means getting up early and getting that workout in before heading to the theater.

But hey, 19 miles. I'm kinda proud.

BIKING AND PIZZA

Yesterday it was humid but otherwise gorgeous, and I decided that after rehearsal I would take the bike for a spin. Now, I haven't really ridden since I fell off and broke my wrist in 2008. In fact, I gave my bike to my mother at that time, and the only other time I've been on one was during a visit to LA in 2009. And sadly, I failed to adjust the bike seat, so it's just a little too short and I have no tools to adjust it; I suppose I'll just have to find a bike shop and be a big girl and ask them to do it for me.

Anyway, none of this stopped me from taking a nice 5+ mile ride yesterday along the bay, over the John Ringling Causeway to St. Armand's Key. Which, as it turned out, was so crowded with cars and people and baby carriages and what have you that it was impossible to ride there, so I turned around and came back. There was a vintage car show going on in the circle. I particularly liked this little beauty:

Anyway, it wasn't much, but for the first time out it was probably good enough.There are bike lanes all over Sarasota, yet many of them are simply not safe. I've only seen one person actually using them --- most cyclists just ride on the sidewalk, which may or may not be legal, but is certainly safer. There's a great deal of traffic and a lot of poor driving.  The drivers tend to use the bike lanes as shoulders. It's not worth taking a chance.

At some point on the ride I conceived a craving for pizza, but rather than order in or go to a restaurant, I went home and made this deliciousness:

Sundried tomato focaccia, homemade spinach walnut pesto, fresh spinach, roasted red peppers, artichokes, peppadews, and just a little bit of cheese. Half for dinner and half for lunch the next day, and it was fabulous and very satisfying.

Today it was really hard to get going, but eventually I managed to get off my butt. I've decided to restart Power 90, which is the program which precedes P90X. I feel I need to work my way back up to P90X, and I also need to take the pressure off for a while. This is a much easier program. In fact, it may be too easy, though I was certainly sweating during today's session! However, I'll be doing other things as well. Right now it seems more important to shake it up and just keep doing something every day.

IN WHICH FATE CONSPIRES

For about the past week, it's felt like Fate has been conspiring to keep me from working out, and today I received confirmation in the following ways:

1. It is true that I am not much of a dancer OR a runner, but it is NOT true that I have two left feet. Yet I managed to bring only running shoes suitable for the aforementioned.

2. Seconds after making this discovery, this disgusting specimen skittered out of the shoe which I thankfully had NOT tried on:

And before all you Floridians start in with "Oh, it's just a Palmetto bug,", save your breath, my friends. I am from Texas and know what a cockroach looks like. Besides, the rest of the country knows that Palmetto bug is just a cute euphemism to help you feel better about the fact that among the many amazing and beautiful lifeforms that inhabit your lovely state are millions and millions of COCKROACHES. A number of them, apparently, inhabiting my apartment and ignoring all the roach traps I placed on day one.

3. (No photographic evidence) The slightly run down but adequate gym at the apartment complex features a TV which apparently only gets Martha Stewart, and some show about a lady who makes pot roast. I require much more entertainment to keep me chugging away on a squeaky elliptical machine for an  hour. Fortunately I had my IPod and phone and was able to entertain myself by making snarky FaceBook posts about Palmetto bugs and the quality of local television viewing.

Well, I am here in Florida, after a three day trip and a previous week spent packing (evidently somewhat haphazardly) and rehearsing Spotlight on Opera's Valentine's concert. I did not work out once and we ate out a lot, with the result that I left for Florida feeling like an overfed slug.

It was a lovely trip. I particularly enjoyed the colorful billboards throughout Louisiana:

And the moon module replica at the rest stop in Mississippi, which looked like something out of War of the Worlds coming to get you and ruin your picnic:

But my favorite part of the trip was stopping off at the Ellie Schiller Homosassa Springs Wildlife Park, and seeing the wild manatees! We spent a couple of hours walking around and enjoying this beautiful park, which rehabilitates Florida native animals and houses some of those that can't be released back into the wild, including a number of manatees; but the wild ones also come into the park to enjoy the warm waters of the spring, and we sighted a few. We also enjoyed the park's abundant other wildlife.

Here in Sarasota, I am finally getting settled in. There's a nice condo and it does have a small, basic fitness room; there are some bike trails around, but street riding here is pretty dangerous and I don't think I want to risk it. I had hoped to bike to rehearsal. However, I can take my bike in the van down to the beach and ride there. Eric and I went for a nice long walk along the beach.

Views like that are a pretty good incentive to get yourself outside and moving!

I feel I've never been so far off track since I started this journey, but I continue to fight hard to get back on. It's a step by step thing. Last night, I wanted to snack for no other reason than I was bored and missed Eric (who went home yesterday). I did not. Today, I had a healthy breakfast and I got up and went to the gym. And after my shower, I'll have a big salad for lunch. This is yet another reboot,  and I'll reboot as many times as it takes. I will not be defeated! 

BEAUTY FOR THE BEAST

It's a good sign when, during my daily walks, my feet start itching to run and walking doesn't feel like enough! I'm sticking with my exercise plan, because this is the last week before I head out for my months-away-from-home and what with the dearth of cabana boys* (they always disappear when I need them most ... i.e. Packing Time) and it being production week for Spotlight on Opera and all the little last minute errands that need to be done,  it's not time to add anything new to the mix.But it's so good to be actually feeling antsy and feeling like doing more, not less.

It's going to be a crazy week but my new mantra is this: just because my life is crazy doesn't mean I have to be. I am trying to stay cool this week, be organized, and not sweat anything other than my workouts.

This is a very exciting week. Not because it's production week for Spotlight's Valentines' Concert and I will be in rehearsal every night. Not because it's my last week at home for over three months. No, this week is very, very exciting because at long last, it's BEAUTY WEEK. And Beauty Week is long overdue. My eyebrows look like Andy Rooney's. My hair is a lank mess and the ends look like a toothbrush someone used to clean the toilet. My hands look like a man's, and even the face could use a little brightening and tightening. It's time to get some work done.

When I'm going to be on the road, I usually wait to get hair and other beauty treatments done until right before I go (mostly to make sure it looks fresh as long as possible when I'm traveling, and to avoid beauty tragedies brought on by despair sufficient to entice me to entrust myself to unfamiliar authorities). So right now I am WAY overdue for an overhaul. I feel frumpy-dumpy and in desperate need of glamourization.  Plus, all this pampering will be (IhopeIhopeIhope) relaxing. First stop tomorrow: the taming of the jungle brows and my frigheningly unruly tresses.

Here's the "before" pic.

And of course, the very best beauty trick is to work out and drink lots of water, to give your skin that healthy glow and your body lots of energy, not to mention toning and strength.

It used to be that every time my job took me on the road, I treated it like a vacation --- permission to slack off, to eat too much, spend too much, laze around to "save energy" for singing. And now, it's still a vacation --- but it's a Boot Camp Spa Vacation.  I look at it as an opportunity to work out more, eat healthy most of the time, and take care of myself. Turns out that's a lot more interesting than the old way. In addition to biking to work in Sarasota, I can't wait to check out Yoga on Siesta Beach. That's always been a fantasy of mine, and what better place to realize it? There are also a couple of practices in Miami. Spa vacation indeed! It's my goal to return to Texas (however briefly --- turns out at most I'll be home for about two weeks) fitter, healthier, and happier.

*One of my lifelong dreams, along with having a beautiful travel wardrobe which does not need ironing, fits all occasions and climates, will always fit perfectly, and can live in its own suitcase so that I never ever have to pack clothes again, is to have a cadre of gorgeous cabana boys who will do any packing that actually does need to be done, carry it to the car for me, tell me how beautiful and talented I am, and bring me drinks. What? You know what they say ---- if you can dream it, you can do it. And I can dream it, my friends, oh yes I can dream it.