CRYBABY SISYPHUS

I cried today in TRX class. WHAT UP WITH THAT? When did I turn into such a soggy mess? I mean, there are times in every class when you feel like crying because one more rep and your muscles are going to pop right through your skin, but this was different.

Nope. This was a crisis of confidence, and it was humiliating and freaking annoying. Hours later, I'm still pissed off about it.

Kickboxing class starts off with about five minutes of jumping rope, which I am simply not coordinated enough to do. I spend all my time battling the rope and not getting much cardio in. So, I do jumping jacks and run in place instead. Kickboxing IS cardio, and in between kicks and punches, we do more jumping jacks (set of 50 as a class, usually at least 3 times during class), push-ups, squats, and sometimes burpees and squat-thrusts. Then, it's time for TRX suspension class, taught by the same instructor (and most of the women from kickboxing take it, too). Between resistance exercises, more jumping jacks and push-ups. It's WORK, and I love it.

But today, I got tired a little sooner than usual, and tonight is my final dress rehearsal for Romeo & Juliette, so I didn't want to push. I needed to hold some energy in reserve. I started pooping out on the jumping jacks, which made me mad at myself.

And then we got to decline pushups. These are tough. These and planks are my downfall. Magda saw I couldn't do it and told me to just hold a plank, and that is where I lost it. Without warning, I just felt so humiliated that I couldn't do it like everybody else was. Tears sprang to my eyes, and I was so mad. I kept trying but my current strength was just not up to it. So I did what I could, and we moved on to something else which I could do, but that surprise attack moment of negativity had sunk its hooks in, and I couldn't quite shake it off.  So much for telling my inner bully to bite it.  I mean, I told it to, but it wouldn't shut up, and I guess sometimes that's just the way it goes. There were another 15 minutes of class and time and again, the negative thoughts returned. I beat them off and kept going as best I could. I kept telling myself to suck it up, it's not like I hadn't been working hard already for an hour forty-five, just do what I could do and move on. But it sucked.

Sisyphus was a Corinthian king who, in his lifetime, managed to piss off the gods so badly that in death he was condemned to an eternity of rolling a giant boulder to the top of a mountain, where it would inevitably roll back down, forcing him to start all over again. And again. And again.

The task of losing weight and keeping it off seems Sisyphean to me. My unhappiness with my size is what's at the core of my private little hissyfit in class today, and the accompanying feelings of shame and inferiority. It doesn't matter how often I beat those feelings back; they resurface. It doesn't matter how hard I work out, how careful I am with my eating; at some point, I will be at the top of the mountain, and at some point, I'll find myself chasing that boulder back downhill.

Now here's the weird part: knowing and accepting that means it's not necessary to struggle against the inevitable. What I mean by that is, understanding that there are going to be ups and downs, understanding that this is a battle that is going to have to be fought over and over, maybe I can learn to prepare for the downs better and recover from them faster. Maybe the stone doesn't have to roll all the way downhill. Maybe it can balance on the top for a while, and next time, a longer while.

There is really only one thing I have found that works in the fight for fitness, and that is perseverence. As long as you keep fighting, you're winning, at least a little bit.

Comments

[Ann Donaldson Hazen]

You are brave and strong, Cindy. And even the brave and strong cry and get discouraged. You are so admirable in the way you keep on going. Be gentle with yourself at times like these, OK?

[Karen]

You are so NOT a crybaby. You were probably due for a release of some sort, and that was it.

Getting all the frustration and any other negative static - the "it's not fairs" and the "I can'ts" and the "I'll nevers" is necessary. Purge the junk. Do the spring cleaning in your head, and then keep trucking.

[Dalila Valentine]

This post absolutely broke my heart. I know how frustrating it is to be somewhere where the bar is set so high that you are not able to always meet it, and where you feel surrounded by people at another level. Crying is OK. And you are correct: it is usually about many things, not just the immediate trigger. You have set the bar incredibly high for yourself taking this class, which sounds way above and beyond something for ordinary people who want to improve their fitness. Maybe (and here I'm drawing on my own up to this point unsuccessful search) you would feel better if you found a buddy who had more of the same issues that you do, to go to that class with. I don't know if this is possible as you won't be in that location for all that long but it's a thought.

On another subject, I am a bit leery of what Beach Bum just wrote. Some people's bodies may regulate their blood sugar but mine certainly doesn't! If I go more than 4 or 5 hours without eating (or if I eat a lot of refined carbs and no protein) first I get confused, then I get cranky, then I get totally disoriented, and then I get a migraine.

[Beach Bum]

Don't be afraid of tears. Tears of frustration send a physical signal to your brain that something is wrong and change needs to happen. Embrace those tears as a signal that your body and mind are now ready to learn something new.

Slightly off topic, I was speaking to a colleague the other day about losing my med-school weight; he's been doing some research into weight loss and has lost 12 pounds in the last couple of months. Evidently, what the latest research boils down to is that the only thing that matters is the amount of calories we take in; that our bodies are a finely tuned system that can regulate our blood sugar, etc. over the course of 24 hours. What this means is that (according to the latest research) we don't have to eat breakfast, we can skip meals, and we can eat whatever crap we want when we want, as long as we eat fewer calories than we burn.

I find this incredibly freeing, and am going to try not worrying about what I eat or when, but only on how much. I skipped lunch yesterday, and ate a lovely dinner of salad and barbecued chicken, and frankly felt fine. (And I wasn't nearly as tired during afternoon lectures.)