The Next Hundred Pounds

A BETTER DAY

Good day today! (Well, aside from my neighbor across the street backing into my car and totaling my bumper). It's amazing how the struggle can turn a corner, if you just keep plugging away hard enough. At least, that's how it feels today. Although circumstances prevented me from sticking exactly to my food plan, I made healthy and reasonable substitutes. I avoided the temptations of Amy's Ice Cream, gelato, AND frozen yogurt (on a stressful day with temps well over 100F. I got home much later than planned and I did my workout, complete with 15 Minutes of Hell Abs Ripper. I wrote my food plan for tomorrow.

Boot Camp officially ended yesterday. It was a success in that it helped me rev up to get back to doing what I need to be doing --- dedicating myself to daily workouts, planning my food, cutting out the extras, paying attention and staying mindful. For the next two weeks, that's all I'm going to try to do. Stick with P90X and pay attention to what I'm eating. Keep on my reminders. Essentially, keep working on getting myself in shape to get in shape.

It's always important to give yourself credit for the things you do right. Although I've gained some weight back, more than I'd like, I am still in much, much better shape than I was the last time I was at this weight. I am much more toned, stronger, with more endurance. That makes me happy, and it makes me want to keep working to be in the very best shape I can.

In about two weeks, I go on the road again. It's not very far from home --- just to San Antonio -- but it's far enough that I'll be staying in a hotel.  But I am determined to use that time for serious concentration. I'll be taking my travel kitchen so I can eat in most of the time, and my workout DVDs so I can keep up with the program. Also, there's a nice gym in the hotel and I hope to do some extra sessions on the elliptical, just for variety.

Always in the back of my mind is getting back to running. I did a little bit earlier in the summer and loved it; but since getting home I've been insanely busy, and it's filthy hot. It hasn't been possible to get up at the crack of dawn to run. But maybe I can find a good place in San Antonio. Maybe I'll go run on the RiverWalk. I wonder if people do that?

Another thing on my mind is doing some hiking again. We just haven't had time and frankly, the remote locations we like to go are chock full of snakes this time of year. I wouldn't risk it until later in the fall, when it will be cooler and we'll be less likely to come face to face with a rattler or coral snake when we're ten miles from civilization, on foot with no cell reception. I like a little adventure but that's too much even for me!

This time last year, I was also getting ready to go sing in San Antonio, and having problems working out because of my mysterious foot injury (turned out to be the seisamoid bones, which had somehow been wrenched out of place) and knee problems (caused by the foot injury). Those injuries turned into many months of problems and I still have issues with the foot, but nothing that prevents me from working out, thank goodness. I hope that in September 2012, I'll be able to post a pic that shows me in significantly better shape than this year (which is already better than last) --- and maybe even with some kind of medal for running a half marathon! That seems like  a worthy goal.

THE WAR AGAINST WILTING WILLPOWER

Many thanks to longtime reader Annette for the link to this article,  and for pointing out its correlation to dieting. Although the article itself addresses the question of why it is so difficult to escape poverty, it discusses in detail the psychology of self-control, including some interesting studies. In a nutshell, writes author Jamie Holmes, "Willpower seems to be a depletable resource". She quotes a researcher from Case Western University, Roy Baumeister, who found that "After you exert self-control in any sphere at all, like resisting dessert, you have less self-control at the next task." Additionally, the researchers found that any decision requiring a tradeoff (such as skipping bread so you can have dessert) also wears down our willpower for future decisions.

The article suggests that the poor must constantly make difficult decisions, resulting in mental fatigue and actually reducing willpower and the ability to make good decisions. Every decision is more consequential to the poor, because it costs them more in terms of money and resources.

It's easy to see how this applies to those of us struggling with weight and health. We have to make dozens of decisions every day about what and how much to eat, and anyone who does this for any length of time, even successfully, realizes that it does indeed get  very tiring.

The question is, how can we circumvent the mental fatigue and reduction in the potency of our willpower, especially since we know we're going to face these decisions every single day?

Annette suggested, and I think she's right, that the food plan is one way to go about it. I've been a big fan of Dr. Beck's food plan idea from day one, and I think it has significant advantages over the traditional food log. Here's the difference: a food log or journal is simply a record of what you've eaten on a particular day. It is supposed to help by keeping you accountable. I have never liked them because they seem to me to have a punitive nature --- you MUST report what you ate, you pig! --- and because they seem to me to take control/ownership away from you. They are reactionary instead of being pro-active.

A food plan, on the other hand, gives you a roadmap which YOU create. You can choose what foods to eat, when, and how much. You are in control. And all you have to do is write it every day and follow your plan. It takes the last-minute decision making out of the picture, because you have ALREADY made a decision about what to eat, and you have ALREADY made a decision to follow that plan. You may have to remind yourself, firmly, that you have made this decision, but it's kind of like arguing with a little kid. This is what we said we'd do, and we are going to do it. This is how we do things.

Another way to bolster that willpower is through constant reminders about what your goals are and why you want to reach them --- such as the lists of reasons why you want to lose weight and your written responses to the excuses your brain comes up with. It's really important to keep these things at hand and use them to reinforce your decision to be healthier as often as it takes. And it will take many, many repetitions.

I know that these things work. They're how I've lost weight in the past. The trick for me seems to be coming up with new, creative delivery systems, because even the best reminders can lose their power after a while. You've got to make it as easy on yourself as possible to have success  by planning, by reminding, by keeping your tools at hand, and by taking yourself out of trigger situations. And you just have to repeat as necessary. No one's going to have a one hundred percent success rate; it's not about that. It's about keeping at it. Every moment is a new opportunity.

And now, if you'll excuse me ... I have to write my food and exercise plan for tomorrow.  I did well today -- stayed on plan despite frozen yogurt temptation, and did my cardio. Tomorrow's workout includes the dreaded Abs Ripper but I will just crunch away, imagining that the sweat is fat cells melting off my body! Or as someone once told me, "That's not sweat, that's your fat cells crying!" And I will make them howl!

SLOG AND THINK

Now, no one's saying that the homecoming of Mr. Cindy derailed Boot Camp.  And no one's saying our houseguest Nicholas, who is a foodie and fabulous cook with whom I love to create wonderful meals, mix drinks, and watch vampire porn is to blame, either. Just because we're currently working on creating our own TrueBlood martini does not mean he's a bad influence. No sir.  It's my own fault that I'm easily distracted, and  thus have managed a minor derailment all on my own. Sometimes gettin' back to it is a hard journey, and that's what I'm slogging through right now. I missed a day of workout last week, and had the hardest time making myself do it yesterday. Now here it is 4 p.m. and I haven't done Cardio X yet today ... but at least I am sitting here in my gym clothes ready to go.

The Beck books are sitting by my bed, as yet unread. My food plan, unwritten for the past couple of days, sits on my desk. Just typing those words made me pick it up and write out what I've had so far this day and what I plan for dinner, as well as tomorrow's plan. It's not that my daily eating is so bad; but it's not helping me lose weight, either. But for right now, I am okay with that. Right now, it's enough to be paying attention and working on getting back to the level of scrutiny I need to maintain in order to lose weight. I'm working on making that exercise habit the obsession it once was. This is not sometime I can maintain forever, but right now I need to get back into it for a while. And while I wish I could just dive right back in and have it all be at that "performance level" I once found, the fact is that I'm in a different place in my life now, and must recognize that it's not going to go back to being exactly what it was. That's okay. It's part of the process. The trick is to find what works right now.

While indulging in a major overhaul of my perpetually messy desk-bookshelves-office area, I found my original response cards as well as the fancier ones I later created. They have always resided within arm's reach of my desk, but now I think it's time for one to go back to living in my purse and the other on the kitchen table. If nothing else, I will be forced to look at them and remind myself of their contents before I eat. And that's the next step --- once I feel very firmly rooted in my exercise habit and food plan, I will pay more attention to portions and what exactly I'm eating. I'll work harder on cutting out the "extras" that have crept back in.

In the meantime, a shoutout to longtime reader Tokyo Cowboy, who has started his own blog, The Mayor of Slimville (and hey! I'm the Resident Diva!). Check it out; very stylish and an interesting look at living in a different culture. Also, I love his colorful food journals!

It seems like a number of us have issues with that oh-so-dangerous after dinner zone, especially when you're sitting around with friends and having just one more drink or a little more ice cream seems harmless. I used to be better at stopping than I am now, but I know what I have to do.

It may seem flippant, but I just have to stop for a minute, and think. Before I pour another glass of wine, I need to think hard about trying on jeans. Before I get dessert when I already had one today, I have to think about the fact that I don't even want to get on the scale right now. During my cleanup, I found some old pictures of me and I do not ever, ever want to look like that again --- but if I keep pouring extra glasses and scooping extra scoops, I will.

There are lots of tools for helping me stop and think. My response cards --- a Beck tool --- are one of the most powerful. For them to work, they have to be at hand. Photos are another. A friend recently sent me some photos from a production we did in 2004, and all I could think was that I looked like someone had inflated me with an air pump.

I much prefer this look:

I may not be skinny but at least I have a waist!

So, my strategy today is to put these weapons within reach --- in the kitchen, on my nightstand, in my purse, wherever I can easily lay hand on them to remind myself of my goals and of how the "extras" will obstruct reaching them. I am also currently allowing myself a dessert (my biggest downfall!) every day --- but only one. If I have something sweet at lunch, there's none after dinner. I say to myself, "You already had dessert today and you don't need another one."

My current self-awarded Boot Camp grade is a C, but I have three more days to bring it up. Extra credit, anyone? What should I do for extra credit? ;)

PS. Did my Core Synergistics. Some days, you just have to bitch about it until you get the gumption to make yourself go do it!

FAUXLOGNESE

It's Sunday, and my houseguest is downstairs rolling out handmade tagliatelle. In a moment I will go down and start chopping veggies for a double batch of sauce: a traditional bolognese and, for the non-meat-eaters in the household ... fauxlognese!

You need:

1 medium onion
1 carrot
1 stalk celery
1 green bell pepper
1 cup button mushrooms
1 medium zucchini
1 large garlic clove, smashed
1 pound of meat substitute such as Upton's Italian Sausage Style Seitan or Gimme Lean Soy "Beef"

Carefully dice all of the above. Do your best to keep the pieces the same size so they will cook uniformly.

Use a large sauce pan --- you don't want the veggies to be crowded --- and start by sauteeing the onions in a little olive oil and a tiny bit of butter. Always salt onions. When they're nice and brown, add each additional veggie in the following order: garlic, carrots & celery; mushrooms; peppers; and zucchini. Sautee until each is nice and soft , your kitchen is smelling amazing, and people are starting to poke their heads in the door and inquire about when it might dinner time, even though it is 10 o'clock in the morning and no one's finished their coffee yet.

Push the veggies over to the side of the pan (or if there are too many, set them aside in a covered dish and keep warm). Add a pound of sausage or beef substitute of your choice. You can use a package each of Upton's Italian Sausage Style and Ground Beef Style Seitan, or a package of Gimme Lean Soy. (I used the Gimme Lean Soy this time; it's my first time using the product and I prefer the consistency of seitan, which is more meatlike. The jury's still out on the taste). Add a little bit at a time, using your spatula to press it down and break it up into fine pieces, until it is all "browned" and thoroughly heated. Mix it with the veggies, still in the pan.

Now you need the following:

1 cup dry white wine
1 cup Imagine's No-Chicken Chicken Broth (you could also use veggie or mushroom broth), warmed.
1 cup milk (full fat if you're daring; soy or almond if you want to keep it healthy. I used almond because that's what I had on hand), warmed.
1 large can of San Marzano or Muir Glen Fire Roasted Diced Tomatoes

Push the mixture to the sides of the pan and deglaze with a cup of dry white wine. Pour the wine in the center of the pan and let it evaporate to the point where you can't smell it. Then transfer the whole mixture to an ovensafe lidded stock pot.

Pour the cup of warm milk over the mixture and bring it to a boil. Next, add the tomatoes and the veggie broth. If you wish, you can also add some herbs at this point. I had fresh sage and thyme on hand, so that's what went into the pot.

Cover the pot and simmer for 3-4 hours on the stove top, or in the oven on 250F. Go put your feet up for a while. Have your cabana boy bring you a glass of wine.

The mixture will be chunky. Before serving, you can transfer some of it to a food processor, or use an immersion blender, to reduce it to a finer consistency; but leave some of it coarse. Put the pot back on the burner, uncovered, to boil off any excess liquid. Since this version is vegetarian, it will probably have more liquid than is desireable, and you'll need to boil it off to get a proper thickish consistency.

Serve it over flat pasta, like tagliatelle or fettucine, or a corkscrew pasta. You want something hearty to stand up to the fauxlognese!

And now, I have to go work out so I can afford to eat some of this deliciousness tonight. I ended up taking yesterday off for various reasons, but it's time to get back to it! Legs, Back, and the dreaded Abs Ripper X, or as I like to call it , Fifteen Minutes of Hell. At least my house will smell good while I'm doing it!

DONWANNA (BUT DID)

BAD case of the "I don'wannas" yesterday, probably because I didn't get the workout in first thing. I had a morning appointment, got involved with other projects, and finally after much procrastinating got off my butt and started Core Synergistics at 6:30 p.m.  It was hard. Immediately after, I did pooper scooper patrol and mowed the lawn, for my extra session.

But this morning, I was determined to start the day off better! I laid out my exercise togs the night before and got dressed first thing in the morning.  Had a delicious breakfast of homemade Greek yogurt, so thick it was almost cheese (love it like that)! with fresh berries and a handful of walnuts, waited just long enough to let it settle, and dove into Cardio X. It really works best for me when I get the workout done before noon. If it drags on, it's hanging over my head all day long, and I don't like that.

One of the things that really helped me before was getting into a food routine. For a long time I had exactly the same breakfast and snack almost every day --- nonfat Greek yogurt with fruit for breakfast, an apple with two tablespoons of homemade peanut butter for my afternoon snack. I never got bored with this, and one of the advantages is that it helps your caloric intake stay pretty stable, without too much thinking on your part. I'm falling back into a similar routine because it is WHAT WORKS. Breakfast is either the yogurt or a smoothie (cup of unsweetened chocolate almond milk and sometimes half a cup of nonfat yogurt; cup of frozen berries or a frozen banana; scoop of chocolate whey protein, sometimes a little vanilla extract, sometimes a little maple syrup if it isn't sweet enough).  Lunch is a big salad of some sort --- right now I'm loving topping spinach with lentil or edamame hummus  and a handful of wasabi edamame for a tiny burst of crunch and heat.

I'm also addicted to my homemade protein bars, and can't wait to try a few variations next time I make them. They're delicious and very satisfying after a workout, or mid-afternoon when I need a little something but don't want to spoil dinner.

Speaking of dinner, this has been my recent downfall and where I don't do as well. Or rather, after dinner. That's when I want a dessert, or an extra glass of wine (or both), and also when, at the end of a long day, enjoying the company of my houseguest, I am most tempted to give in. This is where I really need to kick in some technique. Put the wine bottle and the dessert away after serving one portion; don't linger in the kitchen area. And keep my list on hand, in case I need reminding ... or maybe I should just hang a pair of my "skinny jeans" over the kitchen table to remind me that filling up the glass or plate a second time is not going to help me get into them!

COCONUT CHICKEN AND THE GOVERNMENT'S NEW "PLATE"

What do you think of the USDA's new icon for the 2010 Dietary Guidelines? More importantly, what do you think about the 2010 Dietary Guidelines?  I think this is a nice departure from the traditional pyramid --- and I never agreed with the USDA's food pyramid, which I felt was heavily influenced by various lobbies. The plate icon is much easier to grasp, and I think it's on the right track, though still problematic. For one thing, although you do get a sort of "big picture" of what your meal should look like, you still have some reading to do to get portion sizes. That's not an issue for me, but for a lot of people, if they look at all, all they are going to look at is the icon. So I think it could perhaps give the ounces in a serving size: 1 ounce for grains, 8 ounces for dairy, 1 piece of fruit, 1 cup of veggies, 4 ounces of protein. Still very general guidelines, but more informative than the graphic alone.

At a glance, I get that fruit and veggies should make up half your daily diet and grains and proteins the other half. It's hard to tell how dairy fits in, proportion-wise, from the graphic. It looks like an "extra". Veggies are slightly bigger than fruit and protein, but about the same size as grain. Fruits and proteins look to be about the same size. I think that to get the message acros, they should have exaggerated the portions more --- veggies should be predominant, and grains much smaller.

If you visit the MyPlate.gov website, you'll see at a glance that they are offering some very good general tips for balancing your meals. They suggest eating what you like, but a little less. They encourage you to switch to lowfat milk and make sure at least half your grains are whole grains (we all know it should be 100% whole grain, but that probably isn't realistic for the average American who doesn't know much about nutrition to begin with and normally eats nothing but processed food). And once you go into detail with their suggestions, they are good. It's a much more balanced view of nutrition than what's been taught in the past, although I still think it's too heavy on carbs. But, after all, this is a guideline for a normal, healthy person who is only trying to maintain their current weight.  All in all, I think it's an improvement over the old food pyramid.

A while back, a friend gave me a subscription to Eating Well Magazine, and while I always enjoy perusing the recipes, this month's is chock-full of great ways to use kale. Kale is delicious and chock-full of health benefits, so  I can't wait to try these recipes out. Incidentally, there are lots of kale fans out there --- my Sweet Summer Kale Salad post gets regular hits and even a link back from this blog (which features even more recipes).

As long as we're on about recipes, I made something so easy and SO GOOD today! Wilted Spinach  Salad with Coconut "Chicken".  I had some leftover light coconut milk and a couple of soy protein patties (the ones I use to make Mock Chicken Salad). I marinated them in the coconut milk with some garam masala, cooked it up in a frying pan, where it forms a nice little crust, and tossed them on top of as pile of fresh spinach with a handful of wasabi edamame, my latest passion. MMMM! Pour any extra coconut milk over the spinach to wilt it slightly and give you an amazing "salad".  And if you're not into soy, some chicken breast or chicken-style seitan will work just as well.

Today, I am proud of myself for sticking to my food plan, especially in the face of temptation and hunger. I stopped off at Whole Foods to pick up a couple of things, right around lunch time, but I was able to pass up the free cheese samples and instead munched on a bag of baby carrots until I could get home and eat my planned lunch. Later, out running errands in the stifling heat, I managed NOT to stop for frozen yogurt. And while today was a day off P90X, I did get in my "extra" workout, half an hour on the bike. Sleazy TV helps so much with that. ;)

I feel pretty good about Week One of ReBoot Camp; but I know I can do better. I can stick to my food plan better overall, and now that my Beck books are back home, I plan to start revisting the program in earnest. So stay tuned!

 

REPORTS, RECIPES, AND REFLECTION

Nearing the end of my first week of ReBoot Camp, and overall, I'd give myself a B+. There's room for improvement but the main goal of doing this is to just get myself firmly back into losing mode, as opposed to more-or-less-maintaining mode.  It's important to be both positive and realistic; accountable and honest without beating oneself up. It's important to recognize that this is an ongoing effort with different stages, many of which must be revisited from time to time. And it's always hard to get started. So, I'll cut myself a little slack. Not a lot, but just a little; and next week, I'll strive to work a little harder.

Friday's ReBoot Camp began with a bout of Yoga X, an hour and a half of Sun Salutations, balance postures, and some pretty intense abs work. If you're one of those folks who thinks yoga isn't a real workout, then try this out ... or take a class. Some forms are extremely active and challenging, while others are more relaxing. But they will not only stretch you out, but work your core. The balance postures are great for all the tendons and ligaments in your ankles, feet, and calves. Many of the asanas hurt my hips or feet while I'm doing them, but after the practice is over they feel SO much better.

I did not get in my extra bout of exercise on Friday,  so it counted as my  day off. Saturday was Legs, Back and Abs, and it was REALLY hard; but I pushed through., and got in another hour twenty minute walk in the evening. My glutes and hips are really feeling all those squats and lunges today! So workout wise, it's been a tough but good couple of days. Today is Kenpo, which isn't one of the harder workouts ... but it is fun!

I'm having a little trouble re-establishing the habit of reading my list, too, so the solution is to write it out on several index cards and leave one by the bed, one on the kitchen table, and one in my wallet. And also, I've failed this week to get my Beck books back from the friend I lent them to, and I just need to pursue that more aggressively.

Also, I've been doing really well with following my food plan up to a point, and that point is until the evening when I'm ready to relax. And then Mama wants a treat, and sometimes goes overboard.  I've been pretty strict with the food plan, maybe too strict, and maybe I need to just go ahead and program some little goodie every day --- but a reasonable amount, and just one. Maybe by giving myself permission to have it, it won't have such power over me.

Yesterday I made date apricot almond protein bars. The recipe comes from Kiwi Magazine, which I sometimes pick up in the President's Club at the airport for the simple, healthy recipes. These are super simple and delicious, and about 170 calories a bar!

Take a cup each of almonds, dates, and dried apricots. Process one by one until the pieces are very finely chopped. Add a half teaspoon each of salt, vanilla, and almond extract. Add 1/4 cup of your favorite protein powder (I used whey) and 1-2 tablespoons of water. Then hand form into 10 bars and refrigerate for a while until they're firm. They should be kept in a closed container in the fridge and are supposed to last about a week in those conditions. If you want them to be a little less sticky, you could roll them in a little almond flour. They are quite good and a satisfying little snack --- great mid-morning pick-me-up.

And now, in the  "Why, Why, Why" category --- this lady popped up on  my FaceBook feed, where some acquaintances were making fun of her (boo). It's not my intention to trash anyone but this makes me so sad.

I applaud anyone who refuses to let society define who she is. I firmly believe that the images of beauty and success presented to us by much of the general media are false and idealized to the point of being damaging and dangerous. They are actively intended to make us feel less than so that we will buy more. They actively promote unhealthy thinking, self-image, spending, and poor self esteem by glorifying attractive but often very shallow and/or stupid people and lifestyles that are unattainable to the average person --- but they present these things as the norm. It's gotten us as a society into a lot of trouble, and specifically in the realm of health and beauty, promotes that quick fix mentality that simply never works, and often leads to a lot of unhappiness.

Being fat does NOT equal being unattractive or lazy or stupid or lacking in discipline; it does not mean you can't find love, run a race, dance all night, go on a cruise, hike a mountain, or have heaps of hot monkey sex.  And I also don't believe that being overweight automatically means you're unhealthy, though it certainly puts you at a higher risk for a host of problems, as I well know. But to actively seek weighing a ton? This is not a healthy application of self-esteem. This is self- destruction.

We can't know what's really going on in anyone else's heart and soul, but I hope this lady finds peace and balance in her life. The lesson I take from her story is that I must - must- find and hold the courage to examine my ideas, desires, emotions, thoughts, and needs in stark honesty, however painful that sometimes may be. That is what will lead me to true and lasting health and balance in all aspects of my life.

 

THE ETERNAL QUESTIONS

"I can't remember how it felt to be losing and in control like before, " writes longtime reader TokyoCowboy.  He is job searching, and in his down time has found too much time to indulge his passion for cooking. He's gained back more weight than he'd like from his losing streak over the past two years, and now is also battling inertia as he works to get back to a healthier lifestyle.  "How did I/you do it then? Why was our motivation so strong and even seemed effortless at times? How do we regain that focus?"

These questions couldn't be more timely; they are the same ones I have been struggling with for the past several months. One of the findings of my (very informal and unscientific) personal research into the world of major longterm weight loss is that, at least among those bloggers who report faithfully on their efforts, there is a "rebound" period. After that initial success, which can be months or years in coming, there comes a time in the maintenance where the fervor dies down, the iron hold relaxes, old habits and desires begin to creep back in, and before you know it, the scale is creeping back up.

And to that, I'd like to say, "Well, duh. It's not exactly a big surprise." If we were not wired and/or conditioned to have issues with food, with eating, with exercise, we would not have gotten fat in the first place. These issues are not going away. They are not going to be eradicated. They can only be managed, and there are times in our lives when we will do that better than others.

My personal hope and goal is to recognize and stop the drift before it gets out of hand, every time. And I confess that it sometimes makes me feel a bit like a loser, a faker, and where this blog is concerned, a Pollyanna. Why can't I beat it? I lost all this weight, I changed my body and my lifestyle, and yet I am still not where I want to be and I am still fighting my inclinations every single day. I am very much afraid of gaining it all back, and that's a fear that, for a while, I thought I had beaten.

One thing that helps me get through these bouts of negative thinking is to recognize and call them for what they are. As long as I keep telling the truth about my struggles, I'm not a faker, and it may even help others. One of the problems with the weight loss industry is the whole quick fix, just do this and you'll never have to worry again mentality. There's this big LIE that you can lose weight easily and keep it off easily. Or that once you've lost it, that's that --- you're home free and never have to worry about it again. This is what they're selling, and it's a big lie, and it's damaging to the rest of us ordinary people. 

You see these people losing ridiculous amounts of weight in a few months but you don't see them two years later when they've gained half or all of it back. You don't see their ongoing struggles. The reality is, it IS an ongoing struggle, and sometimes you're going to be more successful than other times. The reality is, it's important to recognize that while you aren't perfect, you HAVE achieved wonderful things, and you can keep on achieving.  It's important to tell those Hyenas of Doubt that persistence is more important than perfection, so they can shut the hell up and get out of your face. And it's important to be honest with yourself about what you are actually doing, how much and what you're actually eating, and why.

I've been a writer since I could hold a pen; actually, I dictated my first "book" to my mother before I could even write. Writing helps me process; so this blog serves as a public diary of a very personal issue. I'm also a performer, wired to require an audience, and this is a type of performance. I worry about my performances --- they are for me, but they are also, more importantly, very much for my audience. There is an energy exchange that happens with every performance. The performer and the audience feed each other. I always worry that I'm not feeding my audience well enough. So this blog motivates me, and it helps me hang on when the days are particularly difficult, and it also serves as a reality check.

So back to TokyoCowboy's questions. How did it feel to lose and be in control? I'm not sure I ever was in control of anything, but I was on a mission. I had a plan, and I had rules that I made for myself. They truly were my rules, not imposed by some outside authority. Sometimes they went against conventional wisdom. It didn't matter. It was about what worked for ME.  And having that plan and those rules empowered me to stick to it. They were MY choices. I took guilt and shame out of it --- sure, now and then they rear their ugly heads, but I've gotten pretty good at beating them back --- and took ownership. And pretty soon, the work was its own reward. And it felt really, really great. It felt strong. It felt like something I could do the rest of my life.

That's how it worked for me. It might not work that way for everyone.

How did we do it then? How did we stay motivated?

We did it by finding something that worked, and working on it every day. It's not magic and it's not glamourous. It was really hard, just like it's hard now, and will always been hard --- though some days, less than others. We got excited about what we were doing. And we managed to stick with what worked long enough for it to become a habit. I can't speak as to what motivates anyone else, but for me, constantly reinforcing my goals and constantly making conscious choices helped, and seeing the scale and the clothing sizes go down was a big motivator.

I'm an artist. Artists, and anyone who is creative, know that we have a well from which our creativity springs. But it is not bottomless. It must be refilled with beauty, good smells, art, wonderful ideas, other people's work, nature, great food, soul-wrenching music ... all the things that move us, delight us, make us feel, make us think. We have to feed our souls in order to replenish that wellspring.

And we have to feed our souls in order to replenish our strength, determination, and ability to persevere in any endeavor, but especially one as hard as reprogramming unhealthy inclinations towards food and eating.

How do we regain that focus?

The hardest part, as noted, is overcoming inertia. You may make several false starts. It's like a little kid learning to ride a bike without training wheels. She's going to stumble, even fall. She's going to get going a little ways and then lose her balance. But if she keeps at it, pretty soon she'll be whizzing up and down the streets of the neighborhood.

So it's really, really not important that you try and fail. What is important is that you try again, and again, and again, until you get the hang of it again. You go back to the things that worked for you last time. They may need to be redecorated. They may need shiny new packaging. But the basic concept will be the same because it's a truth.

And here's the other thing: you may very well not need to go back to square one. You probably don't need training wheels at this point. You might just need to go slowly, and not too far from a wall you can lean on if you start to fall.

Don't worry about tomorrow, or even lunch time. Think about this moment, and what you can do in this moment. And go from there.

That's my plan, this time around. If it doesn't work, I'll redecorate until it does.

ReBoot Camp Day Four Report:

-did Yoga X this morning with my friend grunting and groaning alongside ... yoga's more fun in pairs. Maybe I just don't like to suffer alone (though really, I love it).

-read my list before breakfast and lunch but forgot to do so before snack, and at the grocery store when I snagged a sample bite of cheese without even stopping to think about it. That will need some work.

- Have eaten on plan thus far.

- Plan to walk after dinner.

 

 

RE-BOOT CAMP, Day Two!

It's Day Two of Boot Camp. Day One went very well, except for forgetting to read my list once or twice. My extra exercise session was a short walk with the dogs; it was shorter than I intended, because even with the sun down, it was quite hot and muggy, and it was a little much for them. There was an unexpected extra exercise bonus when I had to carry a certain fat, tired little Dachshund part of the way home. Mommy isn't the only one who needs Boot Camp.

Today kicked off with a breakfast meeting at a local restaurant. I checked the menu online and planned exactly what to have in today's food plan, and I stuck to it.

I'm sore from yesterday's Core Synergistics workout,especially the inner thighs. Must be all the squats and lunges. Not sore enough to keep from working out, though! As part of my re-booting (hey! this should be Re-Boot Camp!!!) I am recalling old techniques for helping instigate a Moving of the Butts and curb the Stuffing of the Piehole. And chief among these is Planning and Prep. The good ol' food plan is the very best tool for keeping a handle on what may enter the piehole on any given day; and the simple act of laying out one's workout togs --- never you mind that they are only four steps away in a drawer --- every day,  makes them and their call to duty hard to ignore. Brush your teeth as soon as you're done eating, which will kill the flavor of food and leave you with a fresh mouth, and not wanting to eat more. In others words, you have to make it as easy on yourself as you can to do the right thing.

Despite soreness, I did my Cardio X today. It happened late in the day, because of the breakfast meeting, after which there was work to do (not the least of which was studying my next opera role). While I'd rather work out first thing in the morning, there's something to be said for that late afternoon session --- it energizes you, and it curbs hunger, so you're likely to eat less at dinner. I'm also a fan of the post-prandial walk, especially when it's followed by a luxurious bath. But today, because of the lateness of my workout, I decided to walk earlier, further, and longer. No doggies this time. My friend Nicholas and I did the local trail --- "the loop", as I call it, about a 3 -mile circle. When Eric and I first started trying to lose weight, we walked this loop twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening, and when I am running, this is where I go. It was nice to do it again after so long. I may incorporate it into my daily Boot Camp!

It feels good, really good, to be dedicated to a routine again, even if it was difficult to get started. My next challenge after ReBoot Camp will be a month in a hotel for my next singing engagement. There seems to be a nice fitness facilty there, so I can do the elliptical as well as my P90X. I've requested a minifridge,  and since I'm driving, I'll take a small microwave and an electric skillet so I can cook in my room. The hotel is located in a downtown area where the only food choices are high end restaurants or fast food, so for the sake of wallet and waistline, home cooking is necessary. Also, I can walk to the theater (but alas, not the rehearsal space) for some added exercise! Once again, planning is key. It's proactive rather than reactive, and for me, that makes all the difference in the world.

SUIT UP AND BOOT UP!

What started this whole thing, really, was Boot Camp. A few years ago I had a blog on LiveJournal, and a group of LJ buddies and I started encouraging each other in our health, career, and organizational goals with this thing we called Boot Camp. We'd pick a period of time during which we planned to go at whatever we thought needed going at real hard. We outlined plans for that period, such as I will eat nothing but organic, locally grown homemade pickles during daylight hours* and I will deadlift my Rottweiler forty times a day while running up and down the stairs and doing laundry.* We reported in, we offered advice, we supported and encouraged one another. And you know what, it worked pretty well.

It served as the inspiration for me to commit to a major overhaul of my health and fitness, and that's turned out pretty well, even if it is  now due for a tuneup. And often, Boot Camp was most successful for me when my darling, sweet, wonderful husband took one of his rare trips out of town.

Like now.

Eric is off to France to visit his parents for two weeks, and I have the place (more or less) to myself. I am in full control of the remote, the menu, and my schedule. For the first time in six years, I do not have to prepare for teaching at the university --- I only have to prepare myself for my roles and auditions,  teach a few voice lessons to my newly restructured private studio, and do some organizational work for the fall season of Spotlight on Opera.

It's a perfect time to Boot Camp! I had planned to start yesterday but inertia got the better of me. I am more tired on every level --- physically, mentally, emotionally --- than usual. This may be part of the pattern of my new life, with much more travel and much more frantic travel. Reviewing the past six months, it became apparent that every single gig I had involved getting off the stage and heading to the airport for the next thing. Every one. Sometimes on the same day. Great for my career, and you can keep the energy going for a certain amount of time, but eventually you pay a price, and that particular bill has come due.

But I've taken enough time off and it's time to get back to it, as well as back to basics. Boot Camp August 2011 is going to last from now until September 1. You are welcome to join me --- set your goals, post them in the comments section, and let us encourage and support one another! My intention is to kickstart my exercise and diet program; and here are my Boot Camp goals:

1. Keep adding to my list of Reasons to Stay Fit and Healthy.

2. Read that list every day when I wake up, before I go to bed, and before anything at all enters the piehole. **

3. Write a food plan every single day. Review it first thing in the morning. Write a new one before going to bed at night.

4. Commit to P90X Lean (the cardio-intensive version of P90X), which means 6 weekly workouts. In addition, do one extra exercise session a day: a walk, a run, some time on the bike, yoga, demonstrating my mad lack of dancing skillz to an audience of disinterested Dachshunds.

5. Review The Beck Diet Solution program and go through all the steps again, as a refresher course.

I have a secret deadline, too. I'm not quite ready to announce it yet, since  the details still need to be worked out; but having a big deadline has always worked well as a motivator in the past. And I would like to get back to the monthly photo updates, as well.

So what I have done today, besides sit on my butt and blog? I'll admit, blogging about my plans is serving as a motivator. I'm having a hard time getting up and doing anything today. But so far I have:

- added to my list
-read my list
-made and followed (so far!) a food plan
- did my first P90X workout, Core Synergistics (and it was HARD today, but I got through!)
-And my greatest triumph --- succeeded in prying my a$$ out of my chair and actually doing something other than watching reruns of Tabitha's Salon Takeover.

So who's with me? Suit up and boot up! Who knows what you could accomplish in two short weeks?

*These are examples only and may not reflect actual goals of Boot Campers.
**This is a basic that really helped me when I started out. It makes you stop and evaluate. It works.