The Next Hundred Pounds

TO WALK OR NOT TO WALK ...

Whaddaya know, I'm famous in Brazil.

Well, not really. But the New York Times article, or some version of it, is appearing on Globo, a Brazilian ... publication? Website? Equivalent of the Times? I dunno exactly, but it's cool to read your story in Portuguese. Not that I can read Portuguese, but I know enough Spanish to be able to make a little sense of it. Anyway, it is cool.

I'm sitting here debating on whether to haul my tired ol' butt out on a walk this evening. The past two days have been dedicated to rehearsals and the first performance of the opera workshop I'm directing, which means I've been schlepping sets and props all over creation and running at Warp Hummingbird for about a week now. And we get to do it all again tomorrow, plus strike set (which means hauling everything out of the performance space in record time, and relocating it to a different building). Does this count as exercise? Why, of course it does. But whether it counts as enough exercise to work off the whole wheat apple pancakes and maple syrup I had for breakfast is another story. So as much as I'd rather sit here and blog about working out, I think I'm going to do a quick walk. Maybe with the dogs. That will make everybody happy (or at least the dogs and the hunk of metal that rules my bathroom).

I have to prepare, you see. One of my dearest friends in all the world is coming to visit tomorrow, and I can tell you right now that we will be drinking some of our carbs and enjoying some good food. Her visit is a vacation for both of us, so I'm a little concerned with allowing myself to slip into "vacation mentality" ... you know, "It's okay to eat a little more --- I'm on vacation! I deserve to enjoy myself --- I'm on vacation!" And then you bring five little souvenirs home ... on each hip.

The odd thing about my concern is that the friend who is coming to visit is none other than my diet coach, Kim. Surely we won't misbehave too badly. But having just gotten rid of the Horrid Six, I am in no hurry to see anything like them back again.

So. I got off my duff, and Les Saucisses and I did our walk. I'm still tired, but I feel virtuous.

CRUNCH TIME!

It’s crunch time, folks, and I mean that both figuratively and literally. The opera workshop which I am administering and directing is in its final week, with two performances next weekend. If you’re in the neighborhood, please come! It’s free, and there are two completely different programs, one on Saturday, July 26 at 1 p.m., and the other on Sunday, July 27 at 3. Both are in Jones Hall in the Ragsdale Center, at St. Edward’s University in Austin.

Also, on Monday I get to start training again! It seems like it’s been forever, and I confess to being a bit apprehensive. I’m sure I’ll be back to square one (if not further) as far as strength goes, and I do still have to be careful. But I’m excited to get back to my training schedule.

As for the weight loss, I’m back where I was two weeks ago, which is down from the Horrid Six Pound Travel Gain, but two above my lowest point this month. July is turning out to be a lot like March in that regard; March was the six-month mark and a big struggle. The scale was all over the place and I only lost four pounds.

Although it’s frustrating not to keep losing at the steady pace, or lose as much as I’d like as quickly as I’d like, I am not particularly upset about this rough spot. Perhaps it’s because I’m so busy; but I rather think it’s because I’ve been here before and now recognize it as merely a rough patch, a natural setback in the overall process which will be remedied soon if I just keep eating right and exercising. (Which I am doing --- over two hours on the trail today, with a wildlife count of 7 deer including two bucks and one fawn; four bunnies; and an armadillo).

It also helps to keep perspective. Although I haven’t lost more, I could swear my body looks different. I’ve been doing some experimental shopping when possible, meaning that I try on a lot of stuff to see what sizes and styles fit the new me. It’s sometimes surprising, and frequently hard not to buy everything that fits (or almost fits) just because the number on the tag is, for me, freakishly low. (I operated on that system for many years, buying pieces because they were the right size and fit rather than because I really liked them. Fat people do that, sometimes. You never know if you’ll luck into the perfect thing or even the acceptable thing in your size; so you tend to grab whatever will more or less do). I’m trying to be more selective, now. However, I did manage to come home from the last trip with several goodies and a nice little ego boost.

Audition season is coming, and I’m fantasizing about a fabulous dress (not to mention making all the general directors who haven’t seen me for 110-plus pounds doing a doubletake). But first, I have to live through all the crunches. Literal and figurative.

INTO THE GREEN

Our favorite neighbor lives down at the end of the street.  Every day, on the way home from our evening walk, we stop and pay our respects, even though he doesn’t acknowledge our existence. We just like to see him doing his thing --- big, fat, happy Mr. Toad. He’s dug himself a nice burrow right under the sidewalk in the flower garden bordering the illuminated sign which marks our neighborhood.  Mr. Toad lives directly in front of a froggy smorgasbord. He can literally sit on his front porch and zap dinner into his mouth. Now that’s the life.

Last week, on the trail, we saw a tiny fawn. She stood very close to the trail, but down the hill a little, and not far from the safety of brush where her mother most likely lurked. She stared at us, gawky and beautiful, curious but not afraid, and she didn’t move. The world was so new to her! Not a hundred feet around the bend, there were two more little fawns, and this time we could see mom back in the trees.

We almost always see a deer or ten; this is a residential area with no hunting so they don’t have much to fear except the cars when they’re crossing the street. Less frequently, but still regularly, we encounter bright green grass snakes, great blue herons, snowy egrets, turtles, a doobie-smoking teenager who is always unpleasantly surprised to see us, and last month, a troupe of four little armadillos who waddled out of the tall grass, looking for grubs. Once, at dusk, I glimpsed a gray fox as it crossed the trail and vanished into the bushes on the other side. And there’s the beautiful night heron who guards the same little pond; I always look for him.

There are several ponds, a lake, and of course, the creek, which meanders along the trail and attracts so many critters.  We start out at slightly different times each night, depending on what the daily schedule has been; but if we time it just right, we reach the big meadow just as the sky has turned a rosy gold, infusing the open space with a remarkable soft light. I love to see the meadow in that light. It makes me wish I could paint; but you could never capture the true essence of that light with mere tinctures and canvas. That light is really special. I am always calmed and enervated when I see it.

I’m a big believer that human beings need to spend time outdoors every day, preferably in green spaces, or next to a large body of water. I also believe that walking, especially in natural areas, is good not only for the body, but the soul. Our daily walks on the greenbelt do wonders for my mental health as well as my physical well-being, and I’m very grateful to live so near a good place to walk.

Urban walking isn’t as much fun for me, but it’s still great exercise. On my regular trips to New York, I challenge myself to walk anyplace that’s less than thirty blocks away (assuming I have the time) and often wander through Central Park.  Boston is a great walking town; not only can you go for miles along the Charles River, but the downtown area is stuffed with cool historical sites and there are even trails marked on the sidewalks. In Chicago, you have the Lake Michigan waterfront. San Francisco is a wonderful place to wander. I try to get guidebooks and discover walking tours wherever I find myself spending time. It’s a great way to get to know a town, and it’s a great way to burn off the calories from all the delicious local food you’re also discovering! Think how good it would be for us, and the environment, if we all just walked a little more and drove a little less.

Of course, like a lot of people,  I live in the suburbs of a city where every family owns a car or three (us included) and public transportation is a joke. One of the reasons I bought my bike was to get in a little more exercise while not using the car; from my house I can ride to the post office, a grocery store, the drug store, and of course, the gym.  Unfortunately, I failed to take into account how many roads aren’t really bike-friendly; so I have to carefully plot routes using safer neighborhood streets and, whenever I can, the trails. It’s a good way to work exercise into daily errands.

A friend of mine climbs stairs for exercise. She’s found an office building or a tower or something close to her house, and she goes there several times a week, armed with IPod and water bottle, and climbs. It’s free, and it’s awesome toning plus cardio. When she hits the stairwells, she does crunches.  I haven’t tried this yet --- not sure how the knees would handle it, although maybe they’d be cool with it now that I’ve lost so much weight --- but it seems like great exercise for travelers staying in one of those high rise hotels, or office workers, or anybody who lives in a lousy climate.

Unless you’re doing some sort of heavy-duty training for a marathon or triathalon or climbing Mount Everest, it doesn’t really MATTER what kind of exercise you do. The thing is to get out there and move. Park further away from the store entrance (we do this now, and I must say, it’s remarkably liberating to just take the first spot you see and not bother with all the maneuvering to get as close as possible to the door. By the time you’ve won that coveted spot, you could’ve walked, anyway). Get off a stop early on the subway, or two stops on the bus. Take the stairs. Get up from your desk now and then and perambulate the building --- it will refresh your mind as well as your body, and you’ll do better work. Just stand up and stretch. Feels good. Every little bit really does count.

RESPONDING TO THE COMMENTS

The comments in the NY Times blog have been overwhelmingly positive, as have the ones here. For that, I am most grateful.  Support from friends and loved ones (and sometimes even complete strangers!) has been one of the important tools that have enabled me to succeed so far in my lifestyle change.

I have to admit a little chuckle, however, reading the remarks of the people who think I must have a lot of money and free time and other special circumstances that allowed me to lose weight.  I am not wealthy by any means, and although I work at home when I am not on the road for a singing engagement, there are never enough hours in the day.

By the time I decided to hire a personal trainer, I had been “relocating fat” for about 7 months and had already lost nearly 80 pounds on my own. I did that mostly through daily walks and work on the elliptical machine at my small, inexpensive neighborhood gym. When I go on the road for singing engagements (as I did several times over the past year),  I use the hotel gym equipment for cardio, I do fitness routines in my  room (downloaded for free from places like Fitness Magazine), I do DVD workouts using my laptop, or I just walk. For weights, I use resistance bands, which are cheap and pack easily.  For the past month, I have been unable to work out with my trainer, bike, or use gym equipment due to a broken wrist, but I walk every day and am still losing weight without it costing me a cent!

As for the time element, who isn't overbooked these days? We make time for the things that are important to us. It takes time out of your day to exercise. It takes time to plan and prepare healthy meals.  It takes time to use the tools and do the work that helps you become healthier. The thing is, once it becomes habit, it takes less time. You get better at organizing your time and making shortcuts. I tend to exercise a lot because it’s become really important to me, but when I started out, I was shooting for half an hour a day, five days a week. I guarantee you that you spend more time than that watching TV. Or playing video games. Or surfing the Internet. Or whatever your favorite downtime activity happens to be.

Although the Times story is billed as one person’s weight loss journey and pushes no agenda, at least one person thought it was “misleading” and offered “false hope”.  He and several others tried to validate the case for refusing to attempt to lose weight, citing various statistics about most people not keeping the weight off after five years, and the dangers of yo-yo dieting.

It’s impossible to predict what’s going to happen five years from now, but I can tell you this: number one, two people in my immediate family have lost weight and kept it off after lifetimes of yo-yo dieting; and number two, I’ve yo-yo dieted for years, so I know all about that. I know what it feels like to be on a dieting high, and I know what it feels like when you start the long slow slide back into the fat jeans. This feels completely different. There is no high. The honeymoon is long since over. This is a little bit of work, every single day, and a little bit of work every single day is not a terrible thing. Can everyone do it? Maybe not, but I’m pretty sure I can. Do you have to have a lot of money and time and special circumstances to make it happen? You can work with what you’ve got. You may not be able to find extra money, but you don’t need it; it just makes things easier. You can make the time, and you can develop any special circumstances you find needful.

I’ve now been working on changing my lifestyle for nearly nine months. This is not temporary. This is not a diet, because diets are temporary. Of course if you go back to your old habits, you’re going to gain weight again.  What’s different about the program I’ve undertaken is that you change the way you think. You learn to defeat old, bad thought patterns. Will I always have to be vigilant? Yes, absolutely.  I’ve accepted that. Will some days be terribly difficult, and will I fall down? Oh, my yes. But I now have the tools to help me get up and keep going. Will I gain some weight back? Most likely.  I don’t have a target weight.  I plan to see where my body wants to settle. My guess is that I will discover a comfort zone, and then I will work to stay within that zone.

My husband and I started our lifestyle change a number of years ago, switching to organics and real food, and educating ourselves about nutrition. I read several of Dr. Andrew Weil's books, including 8 Weeks to Optimum Health. We tossed out all the processed stuff, all the artificial ingredients, all the junk food, and stopped eating out in restaurants so much. We started cooking fresh foods from scratch. Now we find ourselves eating less meat and fewer carbs naturally, because that’s what we enjoy, not because we are restricting ourselves. I do make decisions about having treats and when to have them, but absolutely nothing is off limits.

It is very, very difficult to lose weight and to keep it off.  But I do think what’s missing for most people is the mental aspect. We are defeated not by a Twinkie but by our complicated, often illogical feelings about eating a Twinkie.

This is what I love about cognitive behavioral therapy, specifically Dr. Beck's program, and why it is so very effective. It is very no-nonsense. It’s about the here and now. It’s about defeating negative, illogical thought patterns. It’s about reprogramming the way you look at food. It is practical. And it is work.

For the record, I think it’s perfectly okay for someone to say, “I am not willing to do that work. I prefer to accept myself just as I am, and to defend my choices to a world that often criticizes me for them.” I don’t think you’re lazy or morally lax or a horrible person if you make that choice. I wish you didn’t have to defend yourself against such stupid and unfounded accusations. But please don’t try to tell me that my own work is in vain and please don’t try to discourage other people who might want to attempt the same work.  I believe very strongly in body positivity, and for me, that manifests in making my body strong, healthy, and yes, lighter and more toned. My choice. My preference.  My journey.

I MADE THE NEW YORK TIMES!

Today is a very special day, because finally I can reveal a secret I’ve been holding on to for some time.  A few weeks ago I told you that a major national newspaper was following my story. Well, that newspaper is the New York Times, and as of today they have posted a little story and video about my recent 100 pound weight loss!Several months ago, I was contacted by Tara Parker-Pope, who writes a health column and wellness blog for the New York Times. She found me through this blog,  and expressed an interest in following my story. When I told her that we would be celebrating my weight loss milestone on my birthday, June 7, with an 8-mile hike at a local state park, she told me that she wanted to send a video journalist to interview and film me. Enter David Frank and his assistant Jason Tobias, who followed me around all weekend and shot lots and lots of footage (a lot more than what appears in the video).

They’ve told me there will be some follow-up over the next few months, so stay tuned. And to all who were in on the video, not to mention the celebration --- thank you!

HIKING WHILE FAT! WHO KNEW?

I am wearing a very tight t-shirt today. I like it quite a lot. My mom got it for me for my birthday, and it’s a REGULAR SIZE, which is a big deal. Also it’s purple with funky silver butterflies and flowers on it, very girly.  And it makes me feel all hot and athletic. But the main reason I’m wearing it today is so that I WON’T EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT.

I want ice cream. I want a cookie. I want to be able to eat some ice cream or a cookie and not have to agonize over what that stupid scale is going to say in the morning. It’s summertime, it’s hot, my arm is still all puffy and delicate, and I’m tired of being so vigilant all the time.

I also want a good night’s sleep. Lila, one of our Dachshunds, is unhappy about not getting her walk, and she’s been yipping at night once she’s in the crate and keeping us up.  Dachshund Pot Pie, anyone?

There. Temper tantrum over.

Instead of getting a cookie, I splurged at the coffee shop and got some fancy iced mocha thing made with evil sugarfree chocolate syrup and less evil 2% milk. The blended drink looked better, but when I asked the nice lady what the difference was, she looked over her shoulder to make sure her boss wasn’t listening and said, “About 300 calories! Those things are terrible for you!” So, I got the iced version, brought it home and put it in the blender with a whole lot of ice cubes, and got something approximating the blended version. It ain’t a hot fudge sundae, but it’ll do for now.

While looking through a bunch of old pictures, I had a big revelation. I’ve been pretty darn fat for a long time, but despite not naturally being the type to get out and move on a regular basis, I’m pretty outdoorsy. My late friend Gary once told me that I was athletic (I had a good laugh over that one) but maybe I am, in the sense that if there’s a good reason to, I enjoy moving. And for me, a good reason is a beautiful, interesting place to explore.

An awful lot of photographic evidence exists in support of me Hiking While Fat. There we are at Bastrop State Park and Perdernales State Park in Texas, Cape Disappointment in Washington State, Año Nuevo and Purisima Creek Redwoods Preserve in California, and Kaaterskill Falls in New York State, among others. We haven’t done much of it in a while, but now I am eager to get back to it. It’s funny how I dismissed these experiences when thinking about my athleticism or lack thereof.  Being morbidly obese never stopped me from doing anything I wanted to do.

It’s interesting to note this; but I still prefer being slimmer, and I want to be slimmer yet. How much slimmer, I don’t know. It’s still very very important for me to hit that 100-pound milestone, and I am struggling back towards it, but after that, no more deadlines for a while. For a while, I am just going to let the pounds fall off when they may.

BOOT CAMP DAY TWO: PROVOKING PERVERTS IN THE PARK

If there were indeed no perverts in the park today, getting their jollies watching a bunch of shorts-clad women pretend to be horses and run drills that involved pulling each other across the field in harnesses, there certainly will be on Thursday. Word will get out, you’ll see.

Today was the second day of my personal Boot Camp, and I also attended a fitness class in the park. More on that later.

The day began auspiciously when I was actually able to get out of bed, after all that activity yesterday. I wasn’t even sore. It quickly became even more auspicious when the scale revealed a two pound loss, which puts me at a very happy new low! I am now a scanty 5.1 pounds away from losing my first 100 pounds.  That doesn’t sound like much, but when you’ve been slogging away at the weight loss for a while, the losses tend to slow down. I also have a well-established pattern of losing more in the middle of the month, then slowly creeping back up a little when Auntie Flo comes to town the last week of the month. So at the moment, I am cautiously optimistic, but very much aware that the situation is “So close, and yet so far”.

The sky was heavy and overcast, threatening rain, so I was unsure whether the evening boot camp was actually going to take place. Hedging my bets, I decided to hit the gym and do a short run on the elliptical. 30 minutes feels like nothing now, when I’m used to doing 50 and am working my way up to a full hour. But the gym is also no longer very satisfying. I have never been the type of person who can be fully present for longer than … oh, say ten minutes … on a piece of equipment. The only way I’m going to huff and puff my way through fifty minutes is if I have entertainment, and I suffer no illusions that reading the newspaper on the elliptical is the best way to go about it. But that’s what it takes to get me to move.

Anyway, bets all hedged, I continued with my day and this time did much better planning the food and sticking to the plan. I prepped stuff early, so that at mealtime it only had to be cooked. I also gave some thought to my day’s schedule and planned WHEN to eat a little better. One little surprise: I needed a snack between breakfast and lunch. Usually, it’s between lunch and dinner, right after or right before my workout. I ate the same breakfast I usually do (homemade yogurt with berries and nuts),  and at the same time, so I’m not sure what made the difference today. However, because we had an early dinner, I did not end up having an afternoon snack. So it all evened out.

The weather turned out to be very pleasant, but I didn’t get myself together in time to walk, so instead I biked over to the park. It was enormously pleasurable, because I can go nearly all the way on the greenbelt trails, which I mostly had to myself. It wasn’t long before the trainer (we'll call her "Sarge"), her two gorgeous daughters, and the rest of the class showed up. I was quite relieved to find out that I wasn’t quite the oldest, fattest, or most out of shape (although I was certainly in the top three). It wouldn’t have mattered if I was, though. Sarge managed things very intelligently by dividing us into groups and having us drill at different stations she set up. And it was fun. There were a lot of different activities, with varying levels of challenge, and some teamwork was involved. That’s where things like the ‘horse’ exercise came in --- one partner wore the “harness” and the other stood behind. The “horse” tried to jog and the “driver” tried to hold her back. It was quite challenging whichever end you found yourself on, and quite a sight as well. We attracted several male onlookers with that one. It didn’t hurt that a good ¾ of the class was comprised of hot teenage/college age girls. Sarge threatened to make us all wear bathing suits and play volleyball --- Bikini Boot Camp! Uh, I’ll pass.

After an hour of drilling, I hopped on my bike and pedaled back home --- mostly uphill, but nothing that did me in. I’d love to add boot camp to my weekly workout rotation, budget permitting. It’d be a great extra treat for the summer and would certainly perk up the exercise routine.

Finally, a question for the medically inclined out there. Both last night and tonight, after I’ve showered, dried, and swathed myself in my sweats, I’ve been cold. I was cold when I got home, all sweaty; but warmed up in the shower. But afterwards, I had to wrap up. It’s not particularly chilly weather in these parts, and although we do have the AC running it’s not any higher than usual. Does this have to do with my increased exercise? As I lose body fat, I find I’m always cold in restaurants and movie theaters, but this seems to be different. I'm not complaining, mind you, but it's odd to find myself turning into one of those women who is always swaddled in a sweater, even when it's 100 degrees outside!

MAKING SPACE IN YOUR LIFE FOR HEALTH

Today is Day One of Boot Camp May ’08. I have made my food plan for the entire week and done the shopping up through Thursday; and on Saturday, I went out with my little brother, the Bicycle King, and bought a shiny new bike --- my early birthday present to myself, but also a way of re-energizing a workout routine that was getting a bit stale.

Today is also the first day of my summer schedule. I’ve done some rearranging of my daily appointments in order to increase efficiency and productivity, and also to help me prioritize working out.  I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me sooner, but my fall/spring schedule does not transfer to summer. I have completely different activities. Part of the frustration and boredom with my program which I’ve been experiencing over the last couple of weeks was due to an unnecessarily cumbersome schedule.

I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating:  in order for any lifestyle readjustment to be successful, you have to make room in your life for all the critical planning and preparation.  This week’s revelation is that, not only must you clear out space in your life for this program just like you would clear out a cluttered room in your house, but it’s really essential to make it as easy as possible on yourself to do the necessary activities. That means scheduling time in your week to sit down and plan a healthy menu and make a shopping list. Scheduling time to actually shop. Scheduling time several times a week to get dressed, go to the gym or wherever your exercise takes place, do the activity, go home, shower, and dress again to face the day.

This, of course, requires extra planning and juggling and rearranging.  You might even look at everything you have to do and manage and deal with in your life and think it’s impossible. But we always make time for the things we really want to do; and if you are that busy and flustered in your life, maybe it’s time you reassessed whether you’re mired in stale routines that don’t really serve you best, just because the status quo is the easiest route. I'd like to challenge everyone to take a look at their daily schedule and really think about whether you are making the time you need, and whether you're making it as easy on yourself as you can to achieve your health goals.

You may very well find that your health program takes up a great deal of mental energy, especially in the beginning. It won’t always be that way, but there will be times when it needs more attention, and other times when you can fall back on your routine and not give it much thought. If you have a good routine, that should be the case most of the time.

Speaking of routines, hopefully I’ve tweaked mine sufficiently to contribute to a successful Boot Camp. The day started off well with a nice little dip in the scale. I took the dogs for a lovely 50-minute jaunt, and later, I hopped on my brand new bike and pedaled off to my training session with Dee. It took a bit of investigation, but I found a route that allows me to stay off the actual road most of the time. It’s also a bit out of the way --- if I could only go directly, it’d be less than 5 miles, but those 5 miles are on a busy country highway with little to no shoulder, and I don’t feel comfortable riding there.  It took 35 minutes to get there and 45 to get back (variations due to traffic, direction of hills, and weariness from the butt-kicking I received). Add to that my thirty minutes of training and 10 on the elliptical, and I’d call it a pretty darn productive day.

I could have done better on the food plan, since I made last-minute substitutions. They were all “legal” and within my calorie range for the day, but one of the points of doing a Boot Camp is to renew my commitment to the program, so I will have to plan better tomorrow. For example, there clearly is going to be no cooking or major food prep of any kind on training/biking days.  Clearly those days are going to be cottage-cheese-and-fruit dinners, or else a trip to Kerby Lane for their vegetable plate (which I love).

See? Tweak.

I’ve got 6.7 pounds to get off before June 7. And I want to see them gone --- right on schedule!

STEPPIN' IT UP

I may have spoken too soon.

Over on LJ, our little community has a longstanding tradition of Boot Camp, our version being a (usually) short, intensive period of concentration on one or two issues needing special attention. This is frequently a weight loss effort, or an effort at home organization, or to learn some music for an upcoming gig, or something of the sort. One of the LJ’ers has announced a similar, but much longer-term effort, and I declined to participate because, well, my own personal fat relocation project is well underway and I don’t need a new initiative. Or so I thought.

But I’m feeling stuck again. Auntie Flo, as usual, brought some extra junk in her trunk and although she’s finally on the bus back to wherever it is she comes from, the junk is slower to depart. This makes me nervous because Death March 2008 (that would be my birthday celebration, for the uninitiated) is looming. It is now less than one month away, and my goal is to have reached the 100-pound mark by that time.

And this week, I find myself bored with sticking to my food plan, bored with going to the gym, and wanting treats. Yesterday I ended up running errands over my usual snack time, and I SO wanted a scone and coffee. I bought an apple and a handful of maple macademia nuts instead and felt very virtuous, but I still want that dumb scone.  I’m obsessing about what I’m going to eat on my birthday, which is NOT GOOD because I don’t want my birthday to be about food. I want to have a treat or two, but I emphatically do not want a pigout, free-for-all day. (Believe me, it was under consideration;  but it is honestly not what I want).

So I think I may need another Boot Camp; a very short one, with the intention of getting me back on track mentally. I’ve already stepped up the exercise a little bit, adding in a daily walk no matter what other exercise I’ve done. I’ve also decided to rework my lesson schedule for the summer, as having students scattered all over the day is one thing that makes it difficult to work out and do everything else I need to. I've been invited to attend a fitness boot camp class, and the trainer assures me I will be able to keep up so I’m going to give that a try; maybe it will be the shakeup I need.  I’m not a big fan of classes; I so do NOT want to be the Fat Girl huffing and puffing and feeling out of place in front of a bunch of hardbodies. But I’m willing to give it a try. I think I will also move my Buy a Bike plan up by several weeks. The weather is beautiful now, and I would love to be out enjoying it more.

I also think that I will work out a very detailed food plan for the whole week, and be very careful about the calorie count. It’s very easy to underestimate how much food you’re actually eating and I wonder if I’ve perhaps gotten sloppy with that.

Any successful Boot Camp requires some planning, so I’ll take the weekend to nail down the details and start on Monday. Anyone who would like to try Boot Camping along with me is welcome; just decide on your goals and what you will do to accomplish them, and post here. We can encourage each other!

 

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE WORKOUTS

The first workout with my personal trainer, Dee, totally wiped me out. After an hour of various squat-weightlifting combinations, short intensive bursts of cardio, abdominal crunches, and lunges, I managed to get myself home and beach myself on the bed before I dissolved into a groaning puddle of pitifulness, unable to move.  That workout was toooooo hard!

Last week, Dee gave me more weight and more reps, but I hardly broke a sweat. I left feeling energized and wondering whether I’d really worked hard enough.  (She assured me that I had, but still …) That workout was toooo soft!

Well, this week we changed things around again. I worked up a sweat right away, managed to do more time on the Jacob’s Ladder/torture device than Dee expected, managed to do all the crunches without stopping even though it got hard; took more weight on certain things … left feeling energized but also a little tired. This workout was juuuuuust right!

I also asked to split my workouts into two half-hour sessions twice a week instead of one hour-long. Dee enthusiastically agreed and said I’d get more out of that.  My current regimen is to do 50 minutes of elliptical at the gym three or four times a week (working my way up to an hour!), training one day, and long walks on the weekend, when the gym tends to be more crowded and besides, the weather is gorgeous and I want to be outside. It’s not the toughest workout schedule ever but I am still losing, so I’m happy with it for now.

I’ve definitely entered into a new stage of my fat relocation project. My body has really started to change. It’s not just that it’s smaller; the shape is different, and if I can say this without sounding snotty, it is not unlike a sculpture revealing itself as the layers of stone are chipped away.  My face has begun to look strange to me.  I have a hollow in my neck and collarbones that show.

It’s not all good. The circles under my eyes seem more pronounced. My hands are starting to look … well, bony. My legs are an odd shape. I don’t remember having saddlebags, ‘cause my thighs were too fat to reveal that; but there they are. Two fat pads, one on each side. Dee assures me that they will eventually disappear, but they’ll probably be the last thing to go. Sigh.  

I seem to be melting out of my clothing. By the end of the summer, there will be no “original” item in my closet that fits.

On my desk there is a picture of me on my first day of grad school. That’s the last time I approached my current weight; and I got there by starving myself on 1100 mostly nutrition-free calories a day.  On some days, I would eat nothing but a pint of low-fat frozen yogurt and some air-popped popcorn. How I got through 21 hours of class plus rehearsals, is one of the mysteries of youth.

Funny thing about that grad school photo. I still thought that I was horribly fat. Better than I had been, but fat. Now I wonder if I will ever be able to look at my body and think that it is slender. It’s not yet, but it’s getting pretty close to the city limits. At the very least, it’s in the same state. But I wonder if I will be able to see myself that way, to fully make the transformation. The mental transformation is every bit as challenging as the physical one.

Funny how some things, even ones that aren’t very good for you, can be hard to let go.