The Next Hundred Pounds

LET US GIVE THANKS FOR DO-OVERS

 

What I did with my October: Falstaff, Opera Idaho. L-R: Elizabeth Ashantiva as Nannetta, Tiffany Calas as Meg, Leslie Mauldin as Alice, me as Quickly.

Can I just have a do-over for the first two weeks of November? (Well, except for Election Day; I don't think any of us wants to relive that, whether you're estatic or desperate over the outcome). Despite having embarked on this month full of enthusiasm and armed with a plan, I quickly got bitch-slapped down to the ground with a weird combination of illness, injury, and exhaustion which  leached my strength and endurance on every level. Feeling poorly is never convenient, but my schedule since getting off the plane from Boise hasn't let up for a minute: immediate rehearsals and performances for Spotlight on Opera's  Fright Night at the Opera, our supercool Halloween show; a trip to hurricane-ravaged New York just in time to slog to my auditions and lessons through a snowstorm; rehearsal and a performance of a fundraiser the day after I got back.  There's no avoiding a lot of walking in New York, so the knee is mucho unhappy again, when it seemed to have been getting better. I mustered just enough energy to drag myself through everything, and still give what I thought were pretty good auditions, but each of these activities left me completely drained, and I just have not been myself --- forgetting things, getting times wrong, unable to put two words together in a coherent sentence.

 

 

8:15 p.m., Nola Studios, NY. Having slogged through the nor'easter to get to my audition, I pause here at the elevator to immortalize the moment, so you may all share in the glory and glamour that is the life of an opera singer. You 'll just have to take my word that under the duck boots and puffy coat, I was EXTREMELY glam.

 So, there's my sob story, and to sum up, except for one or two good sessions before I headed out to NY and all the walking I did there, there has been NO exercise and my eating has, quite frankly, been lousy.

 

One of my friends has recently been ultra-stressed, studying for comps and trying to maintain a workout routine, and at some point, she just gave herself permission to let it for for a short time while she concentrated on her studies. As disapppointed as I am with my lousy start to November, I'm making an executive decision not to beat myself up and not to make myself crazy trying to "catch up". In fact, although I am feeling a lot better, the truth is I am still tired and my knee is still pretty jacked up, and the really healthy thing to do right now is probably to give myself a break on the working out for a few more days at least. But I CAN concentrate on healthy eating.

Here's the good thing:  you can start over again, as many times as you need to, whenever you need to. It all counts. And there's still time to make sure the holidays are healthy.

So, do-over. And if you need one, you can have it too. You can start right this instant, even if you just had a gigantic piece of chocolate cake and a triple pumpkin spice latte with extra whipped cream for breakfast. Who's with me?

THE POWER OF PANTYHOSE

On one of my singer's groups on FaceBook, there is a debate raging over --- get this --- whether or not it's kosher to go bare-legged on stage. There is the "Tacky-Tacky-Tacky!" contingent, and there is the "Uh, this ain't the 1950s" contingent (of which I am a stauch supporter).

As ridiculous as this all sounds, let me provide a little background for the non-opera folks among my readership. A great deal of attention is given to how we present ourselves professionally at auditions, which after all are job interviews; and a big part of the job is to attend patron parties and sometimes small in-house recitals, looking spiffy. In shorthand: appearances count. However, there is a LOT of silliness out there about what opera singers should and shouldn't wear to an audition or for a concert. No open-toed shoes! No pants unless you're a lyric mezzo who sings trouser roles! No purple in an Italian opera house! Pantyhose at all times! No bare shoulders! No prom dresses (well, that one I agree with, and some of the others as well)!

I understand the frenzy, being  a singer who sits on the judging side of the table as well. It's appalling what some people think is appropriate to wear outside the house, let alone to a professional event like an audition; but the bottom line is, you need to look  AND FEEL put together, professional, and sassy. That means different things to different people, of course. And some of those people need a gay friend and a closer relationship with Spanx, just sayin'. But the absolute bottom line is that if you don't look and feel good for yourself, you won't project the image you want, anyway.

That goes for everybody, not just performers.

I've been shopping for a cocktail dress and a couple of dressier outfits to wear to the aforementioned patron dinners and events with my own opera troupe (where I'm the mama and have to stand up in front of the audience and give spiels).  It's been really frustrating. I can't find ANYTHING I like right now, and that's not because there aren't pretty clothes out there, but because I don't like the number on the tag right now. And, well, yes, because formal wear for any other than the tiny tends to err on the side of extreme frump.

I was getting so frustrated that I finally had to force myself to ignore the size and try it on anyway.  Then I felt stuck in limbo, because everything seemed too baggy. I bought a couple of things --- casual items, not what I was shopping for --- and went home discouraged.

Time to go back and shop my own closet, where I was happy to find that one of my old cocktail dresses still looks fine, and by getting creative with what was already in the closet --- and paying careful attention to proportions --- I was able to come up with a couple of other outfits that will work. In fact, I wore one to the second performance of Spotlight's weekend concerts, and I haven't gotten so many compliments in a long time! It was a sassy black skirt from Chico's, in a nice flowy material with a flounce in the front; paired with a slinky black top with cutout shoulders and a great belt. It looked like a dress, put together, and I realized that it could easily be dressed up or down. It'd be a great day outfit worn with a jeans jacket and boots and a big chunky necklace; for the afternoon concert look, I paired it with pumps and a jet necklace.

It was the belt that made all the difference, though. It accentuated my small waist, and I swear it took 10 pounds off right then and there. A belt. Which I'd given up wearing years ago because they made me feel fat. Suddenly, I'm belting everything, and it amazes me how much better I look when the clothing I'm wearing skims my body.  I was never big on belting cardigans but suddenly, they went from Mr. Rogers to casual chic. Anything that adds a lot of style and makes you feel snazzier without having DONE much of anything is a winner in my book.

This probably shouldn't come as news to anybody, but hiding in your clothes doesn't work. It makes you look and feel frumpy and that takes a mental toll. So does wearing nothing but sloppy  (some people call them "comfy") clothes all the time and never doing your hair or makeup. Fixing yourself up a bit just makes you FEEL good.

One of the best things you can do for yourself and your look is to make sure your clothes FIT. For ladies, that means investing in a good bra and checking it on a regular basis. And BTW, for most of us, good bras aren't pretty. (Sorry, men who like that sort of thing). A good bra gets the girls where they're supposed to be so they look good under clothing. Go to a no-nonsense, old-fashioned lingerie store like the Town Shoppe in New York. Get a fitting from someone who knows what she's doing. (Hint: she may very well have a measuring tape around her neck). They will hook you up, no pun intended. While you're there, bite the bullet and pick up some shapewear.

Make sure your dresses and pants hems and sleeves hit you at the right place (aka, for most people, NOT at the fattest part of your leg/arm/what have you).  Do the same for shirts --- you don't want the hem hitting you at the widest part of your hips. Just above or just below is usually better. Spend some time looking in a full length mirror --- three way if you can manage it ---  and playing with different outfits to see what really looks good on you and what doesn't.

That's what I've been doing this week, as I pack for Boise. A fun added dimension to the challenge is fitting everything I need into ONE suitcase, to avoid having to pay extra.  I've been trying every outfit on, tweaking it with accessories, making sure each item goes with two other things. And suddenly I feel a lot better about my wardrobe, and how I'll be able to present myself in stylish and yet comfortable clothing.  Makes all the difference in the world.

But I won't be wearing pantyhose. Not even in Boise.

A SAD STORY ABOUT COOKIES

A friend of mine has just completed a rather grueling 21 day "reset", involving eating 100% vegan, taking special supplements, and refraining from caffeine, among other things. The idea is to detox, refresh, and revitalize. It was hard for her, especially the vegan part, which made her cranky. But she did it.

My own "reset" has been much shorter and less grueling, but I must say that, starting Week 2, I feel much better physically. I've lost five pounds. But most importantly, I feel I am well and truly back in the game.

In the past, I had a set of tools which worked very well for me. Some of them lost their lustre after a while; good tools, they just lost strength over time. Others, I return to again and again.

FOOD/EXERCISE PLAN
I still believe strongly in writing a food plan every day --- not a log of what you have eaten, but a plan, composed the night before, of what you INTEND to eat the next day. This is SO helpful, folks. It takes the guesswork and the last minute waffling out of the equation. How many of us "give in" and end up eating extra, unplanned calories --- which add up really fast --- because we're busy and hungry and need to grab something and move on with our day? We end up thinking, "Well, a cheeseburger won't kill me just this once".  It doesn't look like a huge amount of food, but even a plain fast food cheeseburger (no fries, no mayo, no nothin', just bread and cheese and burger) is 300 calories. 300 calories of crappy poor quality food that will still leave you hungry.

If you've planned your food in advance, and better yet, taken time to prepare it, you can eat MORE and better quality food, and stay within your calorie range for the day. You have a guide to what you can eat to stay on track, and you have to make a conscious decision to stray.

I also find it's enormously helpful to write down what workout I plan to do the next day, and to prepare for it by making sure all my clothes are laid out and any equipment is close at hand. It's almost like writing a little contract with yourself. It's motivating.

FOOD/EXERCISE LOG (here's the part about the cookies)
I've written recently about how much I like LoseIt --- I've started using the website more, but it links to my phone and I can enter info on the app as well. MyFitnessPal, SparkPeople, what have you ... logging food used to feel punitive to me, but the apps make it so easy that it's become an invaluable tool in making sure I stay accountable, really measure what I'm putting in my mouth, and can stay under my daily goal.

For instance. I made a horrible, horrible discovery today. Over the summer, in Princeton, I became positively addicted to these magnificent, amazing peanut butter cookies sold by the coffee house I frequented. And then, I discovered that the local franchise had them, too. I even found out the brand name.

All summer, I'd been calculating these big cookies at about 350 calories each --- a hefty snack, and one only to be enjoyed when I could be sure I'd burned an equivalent amount cycling. Well, I was thinking about having one today, and I looked them up on the website. At first I was elated to see that they're listed at 250 calories. Then I looked at the serving size, which is HALF A COOKIE.

Seriously. Who eats half a cookie? Especially an amazing cookie? I'd been eating 500 calories of cookie every time! So depressing. But I am glad I know. As much as I might want one of those cookies, I'm not sure I can see "spending" that much of my daily calorie budget on one.  Having to log it is a huge deterrent. But I'm grateful to know.

Logging exercise, on the other hand, is pure joy. The minute I'm done, dripping with sweat and filling the house with toxic body odor, I race to my laptop or phone to record what I did and receive my reward of calories burned detracted from my daily limit. Take that, delicious giant cookie of doom!

FASHION ADVICE AND OTHER GIRLY STUFF
Taking the time to look good is always a major morale booster. That seems like a no-brainer, but when you're busy and tired and schlepping all over the place, sometimes it's tempting to just to throw on some sweats, wad your hair into a scrunchy, and hope you won't run into anyone important at the grocery store. Heck, I have Yoga Tog days all the time. Days when I refuse to put anything on my face other than sunscreen, and anything on my body that doesn't stretch. And I do go to the grocery store like that, hoping that I look "sporty" as opposed to tired and washed out.

Ahem.

Recently, driven by despair at my overcrowded closet and plethora of cute things that no longer fit, I re-subscribed to Missus Smarty Pants. This is online "personal" fashion consulting, and the very best thing it has to offer is teaching you to dress for your body type, down to the right kinds of shoes and bags. Now, granted, this particular consultant's taste, at least in the weekly blogs and newsletters she sends out, is pretty basic. It's a guide to nice dressing for soccer moms and realtors, and there's nothing wrong with that. I rarely actually buy any of the items she specifically recommends. But the service is reasonably priced (and so are the clothes MSP recommends), and once you master the basic concepts you can develop your own sassier style. There is lots and lots of good advice, and there is some inspiration.

That's what I'm there for. Because looking put together ALWAYS makes you feel better. Looking out of date and schlubby only contributes to poor self esteem. And you can look put together at any weight, believe me. Thus the big closet purge, and reorganization. Thus putting on a little bit of makeup --- just a little --- even on days when I might not be going out at all. It reminds me that I'm worth taking care of.

THIS BLOG
I'm a performer by nature as well as profession, and I've always been a writer, from before I could actually write words. (Seriously. Somewhere I have a picture book which I illustrated and dictated to my mother when I was, like, three). There is something in my nature which requires an audience, which of course sounds horribly narcissitic and maybe it is. Regardless, writing this blog, knowing there are a few people out there who take the time to read it and maybe even get something from it, helps me. It helps me stay accountable, it helps me continue to educate myself, it helps me to work through stuff. And I firmly believe that everyone needs a tool like this. Not everyone is driven to spatter their deep thoughts across cyberspace, but everybody needs some sort of outlet and some sort of community to share with. This blog provides me with one of mine.

Those are a few of my most useful health and fitness tools. What are yours? I'd love to hear about them.

THE ULTIMATE GOAL

See why I call it the Barbie Gym? Pink and chandeliers!

Back to the gym today, thank goodness! I did ten minutes on the elliptical as a warmup, then took a 30-minute intensive class called Iron Power Blast. The instructor was a lean, all-muscle, tomboyish Paleo devotee who spent a good portion of the class talking business to her friend who sells her own raw protein bars, and "educating" the class about them and how they can buy them through her. They sound great but I didn't appreciate the commercial on my time. However, the class was still good. We started with lunges back and forth across the studio; followed by squats, and some pretty tough ab work. I went my own pace, and the only thing I had a problem with was the final move, a fast lunge starting from a wide kneeling position. You were supposed to come up from that to a squat. It just hit all of my trouble spots --- knee, hip, and the toes of my right foot --- not the right exercise for me, especially at speed. I asked for an alternative but it was still not great for me. Clearly this is a class for people who are regulars and in better shape than I; I could hang in, but I'm not sure I liked the vibe enough to go back.  At any rate, I got some good sweat on and I am very happy to be back to the gym!

In the pic above, I'm wearing my new Fit Club t-shirt. Fit Club is a FaceBook support group started by internationally known tenor Larry Brownlee, for singers and their friends.  It's got a great positive vibe and is just a nice place to go for a little encouragement every day. We are all shapes and sizes and fitness levels there, and everyone is at a different place in their journey, but it doesn't matter. The most important thing is to show up and sweat!

Members are encouraged to post photos of themselves working out in their t-shirts, so this was my contribution. I baptized that shirt with sweat today.

Groups like Fit Club are a great way to help yourself stay motivated and accountable. After my healthy lunch of greens topped with tuna, avocado, a few olives and a little bit of cheese, I was tempted by some commercial peanut butter crackers that came with the goodies in my opera welcome bag. I picked them up and had them in my hand, and then I thought about Fit Club, and thought, "No way! I'm not eating these! They're nutritional trash!" Sometimes the thought is all you need.

The club motto is "Onward, downward, and fitter!" A good mantra for health seekers. After the last few days, I am reminded that the two most important parts of that motto, for me, are "Onward" and "Fitter".  Although I need constant reminders, focusing on weight loss is not the healthiest thing or the best way to acheive my goals now. Onward --- with every good food choice, with every trip to the gym, with every effort to stop negative self-talk and replace it with encouragement and acknowledgement of successes --- we move forward towards our goals. Fitter --- every healthy choice, whether it be about food, exercise, or how we treat ourselves --- that's the ultimate goal.

BAH HUMBUG --- MY CHRISTMAS RANT

Does anyone else find the current Subway sandwich campaign offensive? I mean, I find fast food in general offensive, although if you HAD to eat fast food, a sandwich from a place like Subway, Potbelly,  Jimmy John's or Quizno's would probably be one of the better bets, depending on the choices you made.  But what I'm talking about is the current ad campaign in which beautiful women, usually in an office setting, trick some nerd out of his lunch by offering to be his girlfriend.

It's supposed to be cute. The adult voices are manipulated to make them sound like elementary school kids, and the trick itself is juvenile, definitely a grade school manouever. But in every single one of these commercials or radio ads, a pretty woman offers to be a nerdy man's "girlfriend" and then claims his sandwich.

It's never an average or, God forbid, ugly woman, because we all know that wouldn't work, even on a schlumpy guy.

The guy is always a bit of a goof because, you know, if he were good-looking, he'd be running the place and would have already sent the bitch out to buy him a sandwich.

And of course, a beautiful woman couldn't possibly go down to the corner and buy her own damn sandwich. Or get her assistant to do it for her. Because in this  particular world, women are at best grown-up "mean girls" and at worst whores for sandwiches, and guys are stupid, easily manipulated,  inept nerds.

I mean, really. I like to think I have a pretty good sense of humor and am not easily offended, but for me, this misses the mark. But then, I'm extra sensitive to advertising this time of year, as businesses gear up to try to rev us all up to buy buy buy. I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of all the magazines, television shows, "reality" shows, movies, and yes, advertisements that continually present all of us with an unrealistic standard of living and an equally unrealistic and unattainable standard of beauty --- especially targeting women and girls --- all under the guise of entertainment and information, but with the specific goal of making us feel in some way inadequate so we will go out and spend money, mostly on crap we don't need.

What does this have to do with health and fitness? Quite a lot, actually. Look at any magazine stand and you will see that the publications marketed to women either have to do with beauty or some version of homemaking and/or parenting. The beauty publications are almost all geared towards single women in their twenties and thirties, and even those which are targeted to more mature women  and feature some articles with more substance (Marie Claire, More) show impossibly youthful and slender looking models. More --- a magazine I happen to like --- even has a regular feature called "This is what __ looks like", the blank representing the age of the particular woman being featured. Every time I look at it, I think "Not without plastic surgery or really excellent genes".  And then of course, there are the endless features of really expensive clothing and makeup. Even having lost weight, most of that designer clothing doesn't come in my size (assuming I could even afford it).

In a way, I'm a little anesthitized to all the fashion stuff, because of two things: one, for most of my life, I couldn't find that clothing in my size; and two, even when I could, most of the time I couldn't afford it. I learned to clamp down hard on my envy and accept that those things weren't for me, and to use my creativity to recreate cheaper, more flattering outfits I liked. I learned to distance myself from it all a little bit.

But as I get older, I find myself just getting more and more tired of it all, and angered by the messages it sends, and maybe that's why this Subway ad has me so up in arms. I have nieces, and I don't like what the world wants to tell them about how they should look and behave in order to have value. I don't want them picking up the hangups so many of us had as kids. For that matter, I don't want all my wonderful nephews developing those attitudes towards women.

And on a whole 'nother scale, I am generally annoyed enough with corporate America right now that I have no intention of buying Christmas presents from anything other than a local business or, preferably, artist. Any presents I give this year will be homemade, or something specifically designed to bring beauty into the world, preferably without having exploited any other human being.

One of my high school friends, Bobby Jo Cash Roberts, makes gorgeous stained glass art. Several friends of mine have recently released CDs. DC Anderson and I were in Phantom of the Opera together waaay back in the day; he still tours, but he also has a whole catalogue of fantastic cabaret-style music, much of it original. He has a new Christmas CD out called All is Calm, All is Bright. I went to college with bass-baritone Marcus Nance and have always been a fan of his smooth, sexy sound;  he's going to be on Broadway soon in Jesus Christ Superstar! My colleague baritoneTodd Thomas, who I have sung with on numerous occasions, has just re-released an album of Christian music called Crown Him Lord of All; it's available directly from Todd, and if you're interested, comment and I will get you his contact info. Last but not least, another baritone colleague (what is it about me and baritones? Love those sexy low voices!), Craig Irvin, has released his first self-titled album, Craig Irvin: An American Baritone.  Any of these would be unique, beautiful gifts and they would benefit their creators directly, with very little (if any) going to a  middleman.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get back into the holiday spirit by putting on some tunes and carrying on with the ridiculously extravagant and ever-so-slightly tacky decoration of my home (all old stuff, mostly inherited from childhood, thank you very much).  And I will not be eating any sandwiches. Bah, humbug.

WORKING IT OUT IN KENTUCKY

First run in Kentucky yesterday, along the Ohio River. It was a beautiful, cool fall afternoon, a nice flat trail ... and it was still a hard run. And so I'm going to repeat Week One of Gateway to 10K, just to help get back into the swing of things.

Meanwhile, there was a last minute change of plans and instead of being in the hotel with a gym, I am in a lovely private guest house full of antiques. There really isn't a place to do my P90X. I'll have to take my laptop outside and do it on the lawn. I can also use the gym at the hotel; it's a short drive ut I either have to park 20 minutes away or pay for a meter. But I did it today --- a hard hour on the elliptical --- and it was fine.The gym is at the top of the hotel, with gorgeous views of the Ohio River and all the fall color.

And now, I am sitting at the table in my guest house, enjoying my dinner. Acorn squash stuffed with Honeycrisp apples, onions, sausage-style seitan, and fresh sage --- drizzled with honey and baked. Highly recommended. Sautee the stuffing first, and cook the squash in a shallow pan lined with water. Mmmm.

Every day, every time I am faced with putting food in my mouth, I have to make a decision to stop and think about it. I have to think about whether it's on my food plan (I've started writing one again, started over for the umpteenth time. However many times it takes). I have to monitor the amount. I have to decide to stick to my plan, especially if I'm tempted to deviate.

It's tiresome, and this time around, it's burdened with extra emotions --- guilt, shame, fear, more than I ever experienced before I lost the weight in the first place. I feel like I'm fighting to re-take a hill I once conquered. The tools aren't as sharp as they were last time. But they work, if only I will apply them. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

All I know is that I am not going back. Daily exercise, restricting carbs and fat, eating mostly veggies , cooking simply on most days --- this is what works for me. There can still be indulgences, but not every day, at least not big ones.  I know what to do. The mental hurdles are the biggest issue, and those just have to be chipped away, a little at a time.

So, onward.

And in the meantime ... on a fun and frivolous note ... no rehearsal today, so after working out I headed for the Zappo's.com outlet, where there were RIDICULOUS discounts on shoes.

All I can say is, it's a really good thing we drove here.

OF MOCK CHICKEN SALAD AND TOILET PAPER DOLLS

The first time I bought the mock chicken salad from Whole Foods, it was for a road trip to Des Moines, where I was singing for the summer. Eric and I like to pull off and picnic when we travel, rather than stopping at roadside restaurants, which can be hit or miss, expensive, and inevitably take more time. We stock up on delicious and healthy goodies and enjoy sitting under a tree somewhere. This time, however, poor vegetarian Eric didn't get to eat any of the salad, because I was utterly convinced that a mistake had been made and it was real chicken. The texture and taste were very realistic.

He has never let me forget this.

We love that mock chicken salad --- I prefer it to the real thing --- but it is expensive, and one of the reasons it tastes so good is because it's made with mayo. So I decided to try to recreate a less expensive, healthier version at home.

I started with a package of Delight brand soy protein patties, and thus the first disclaimer: although generally speaking, we try to avoid a lot of processed foods, this is definitely processed; but it doesn't have a long list of ingredients. Non-GMO soybean protein (sadly, not organic), soy fiber, condensed wheat protein, soybean oil, sea salt, vegetarian seasonings. Not too bad but still a treat to be enjoyed in moderation. The cost was about $5.49 for 10 ounces --- not cheap, but a lot cheaper than the prepared chicken salad from the deli counter.

I tore the patties into small pieces and mixed them with a dollop of plain nonfat yogurt; a tablespoon of honey; a double handful of pecan pieces; tiny, sweet champagne grapes which are deliciously in season, and salt and pepper to taste. I wish I had had some celery and poppy seeds to add; next time. I had a few leftover shallots so I threw them on top; also very tasty, as would a few chopped bits of sweet onion. The result is a very meaty and satisfying "chicken" salad, great on sandwiches or a big pile of lettuce leaves, which is how I enjoyed mine, because ...

... it's time for  Beck refresher course.

I have not been happy, over the past several months, with the direction my waistline has been taking, and even more importantly, with how I've been dealing with food. I can't remember the last time I wrote a food plan, and although I am much more fit than I've ever been, and remain conscious of what I put into my mouth every day, there's no question that there's been some slippage.

I said to myself, back in 2008 when I started this journey, that I would not set a magic number or size that I wanted to be; that I would watch and listen to my body and see where it seemed to want to settle. I think that I got a little lower than my body's comfort zone; still not slender by anyone's standards but not plus-sized either. I'd like to get back closer to that weight and size. It was here:

Pic of the month, February 2009. At the time I thought I wanted to lose another thirty or so pounds, but now I realize I'd be really happy if I could maintain this size.

This, perhaps, is not the best comparison pic, since I'm wearing a lot more  layers of clothing and Princess Leia hair (which looks a lot better under a bonnet), but this is the most recent pic I have:

That's the Act I costume of my most recent gig, The Daughter of The Regiment at the Sugar Creek Symphony and Song Festival. Again, perhaps not the best pic for comparison ... but better than the one with the giant hoop skirt that makes me look rather like a short, fat toilet paper doll. Seriously, judge for yourself:

Act II of Fille du Regiment, with Javier Abreu as Tonio, Courtenay Budd Caramico as Marie, and Matthew Lau as Sulpice. Photo by George Kwain, and it really is a lovely dress ... but check out the comparison below.

Yep. Under her little crocheted skirt is a big ol' roll of Charmin. 'Cause, you know, who wants to look at toilet paper?

Well, I digress. But nevertheless, I'm not completely happy yet with my body; but I'm even less pleased with how loose I've gotten with my eating habits. I've been complaining about this for a long time, and I've been working on it, but it's time to work harder. My life has changed a lot since I started this journey and this blog; I'm busier, and on the road more, but that cannot be an excuse.

So, I'm going to start the Beck Diet Solution over again from the beginning. It's what got me going the first time. I've already begun writing my list of reasons why I want to lose weight, and when I finish this post, I'll be working on my food plan for tomorrow. It's just time for a refresher course. I always knew this was going to be necessary; that I wouldn't just reach the end of the road and never have to work at health and fitness again. I may have underestimated the amount of energy and inspiration it takes to keep going, day after day. But the good thing about energy and inspiration is that you can always find it, if you look.

The toilet paper doll is pretty inspiring, if you ask me.

I'VE GOT BOOBS THAT JINGLE JANGLE JINGLE ...

These are my new shoes. Think they're gaudy? You should see my coin bra.

That's right. My next role is going to star a whole lot of cleavage and my bare midriff, all swathed in belly-dancer style coins. Think I Dream of Jeannie. If only I had Barbara Eden's figure!

Well, okay. Full disclosure. My actual midriff will NOT be showing because, well, nobody needs to see that, but it will be represented by the presence of the heaviest duty Spanx I could find, and there is a splendiferous hot pink coat bedazzled with all manner of baubles. But the illusion is there.  There is nothing between me and the world but the Spanx. But hey, if even Hollywood starlets swear by it, why should I be ashamed?

Nevertheless, this costume makes me wish I'd been hitting the Abs Ripper X even harder. But it's going to take more than one twelve-week stint for my abs to approach anything that could be described as "cut". They're more like "squeezed", as in from a tube of cookie dough. Nice firm cookie dough, but dough nonetheless.

I am still stuck on Week 9 of P90X, having to work it around the rehearsal schedule, and I still haven't started running. For one thing, it's just dang hot here and I haven't been waking up early enough to run in the mornings. But I'm determined to get started.

Foodwise, I've been eating oddly but happily, not too much. Lately all I really want are smoothies -- maybe because it's so hot. So I alternate between homemade smoothies and salads, with handfuls of nuts and dried cranberries as a snack. Over the weekend, I had occasion to hang out in a  Barnes and Noble for a little while, and I thumbed through Michael Pollan's Food Rules, an easy to read, sensible, nice little reminder of how we should be eating 80-90% of the time. It's essentially a boiled-down version of his philosophy, reduced to pithy and memorable little statements like "Don't eat cereal that changes the color of the milk" , "Don't eat anything that has the same name in every language" and "Don't eat food that doesn't rot". (That last one especially resonates with me because, as I write this, we have half a package of grocery store brand white bread that we bought back in March, when my in-laws were here, to feed the ducks. It has been on the counter ever since --- even the ducks had better sense that to eat it --- and it is neither moldy nor stale. Does this stuff even digest?).

I find stuff like this useful  because it will pop into my mind when I am tempted, ever so briefly, to go through a drive-through or pop a frozen dinner in the microwave for convenience's sake. But then I remember that eating that stuff not only will fail to satisfy my nutritional needs, it will not satisfy my taste buds and I'll be left craving REAL food. It's just not worth it.

So, I had my smoothie for breakfast, I'll have some whole wheat pasta with veggies than I made last night for lunch, and take a salad with me to rehearsal this afternoon since I'm not coming home until late and have no place to refrigerate stuff. And now, it's off to do my yoga, much of which takes a surprising amount of core strength. And that can only be good for the coin bra.

TAKE IT TO THE LIMITS!

Somwhere in the middle of last week (Week Three of P90X), I realized that I wasn't pushing myself nearly as hard as I should be.

There's a good reason. A couple,  actually. What I was telling myself when I started was that I was protecting myself from further injury; and I do still have to be careful with my foot and hips and knees. But really, it stems from my original philosophy of working out: whatever it takes to get me to do it. And that did not include pushing hard.

Pushing hard was uncomfortable when I was fat. Uncomfortable and discouraging, because everything seemed really hard to me. And like most fat people, at some time in my past I'd been pushed too far too fast by people who were slim and fit and didn't really understand what it was like to do that activity carrying a lot of extra weight.

When I started out, one of the things I figured out was that in order to make exercise a habit, I had to do it comfortably. I had to keep myself entertained. If that meant reading the newspaper while I was on the elliptical, so be it. It kept me on the thing for an hour.

And it worked. Exercise did become a habit, and if it wasn't always fun, sometimes it was.  In fact, since I started running, it became an activity I really enjoyed. P90X is the same, because it's challenging and I am seeing real results after just a few weeks. At the same time, I noticed that I just didn't feel as tired as I ought to, given the toughness of these workouts.

I simply haven't been working hard enough. Deep down, I was afraid to. I was afraid I wouldn't like it, that it would be too much and I'd have to face up to being lazy, or feel guilty. I'd find out I was faking it and I'm not really fit enough to be doing a program like P90X.

But I also was curious, and I want that fitness level. So the very next workout, I really pressed. I made myself work to failure on every set. AND IT WAS AWESOME. Yes, I got tired. No, I couldn't do as many reps or as fast or hard or perfectly as the people on the DVD. But I kept up. It felt fantastic.

I've done two more workouts since then, and did my best to push hard without losing good form or pushing for the sake of pushing --- in other words, staying mindful of what my body can do and not trying to take on too much weight or go past what's safe. And I've discovered that taking myself to the limits is actually fun. And also, I can do a lot more than I thought. Yaaay!

On Wednesday, the schedule had a particularly challenging new workout listed, and I had a very long day at school. It just wasn't going to happen. I accepted that, and did it today instead, thinking I'd double up so I wouldn't fall behind. Well, I had a concert to sing tonight, so the doubleup wasn't happening today. But it will tomorrow! Kenpo and yoga. That's a good combination.

Concert attire du jour

Technically, I am now on Spring Break, but there ain't no break about it except for not having to drive to school two days a week.  I'm still teaching my private students, directing the opera, getting ready for my opera workshop's summer program, prepping for the in-laws (who arrive Saturday), and ... oh yeah. Learning a brand new opera role in a month, which believe me, kiddos, is not much time.  I've got to squeeze a trip to New York in there somewhere. 

And work out. Let's not forget the working out. Got to have some fun, after all!

UN-RECIPES AND SEXY GIRLY MUSCLES

It's been a while since I've blogged about food/recipes, mainly because I'm doing the "eat simply" thing right now and it's working really well.  (By "eat simply", I mean a minimal amount of cooking ... more like making salads, or putting some beans on top of a big handful of spinach and heating it in the microwave, which is MMMM, BTW). However, this only goes so far with a husband in the house. Happily for me, mine wants to eat healthy, too, but cottage cheese, tuna, and carrot sticks are not going to keep him happy. So once in a while I have to actually cook something more substantial, while still sticking to my own plan.

On Friday night, I made lime ginger garlic cilantro seitan (you could just as easily do chicken tenders) to serve with lettuce wraps. Nice head of Boston lettuce, some chopped red bell pepper, carrots, red onion, and mango, a little peanut sauce, and the seitan. It made a very delicious and healthy meal, with very little actual cooking involved.

Last night, having Boston lettuce and a few chopped veggies left over, I sauteed a little onion, tossed in a can of chili beans, some cumin, and some frozen corn, set out a little bit of avocado and low-fat cheese, and voila! We had taco salad. Sorry, no pic of that, but it was almost as colorful as the lettuce wraps, and quite good.

It all changes at the end of the week when the in-laws arrive. Don't get me wrong; they eat healthy, too, though slightly differently than we do. But Mama's gonna have to cook, and also, we'll be eating out a lot. I actually made a calendar with our itinerary on it, including which days we're going to eat out where. (I am proud of myself for scheduling the Chinese buffet on a day when I will be working and thus unavailable ... they love those big Chinese buffets, and those are one of the unhealthiest places to eat outside of a fast food restaurant. And if I'm going to "spend" extra calories, it is not going to be on substandard food!). The next step is to sit down and menu plan within an inch of my life. It may seem extreme, but I am busy enough that it's necessary to help keep us all on track, and it will actually make life easier. Can you tell I'm a little worried about this? I don't want to backtrack!

Today was the final day of Week Three of P90X --- Kenpo, which is really fun. I'm really proud for making it through three weeks. It's a tough program. That being said, I've decided I'm probably not working hard enough at it, and I need to pay more attention and push a little harder in the workouts. Not to the point where I could injure myself, but I need to make sure that with each set, I'm working to muscle fatigue. I don't always do this because I can't keep up with those superfit folks on the screen, and need a little more time to complete the sets, so sometimes I just stop when I reach the number you're supposed to do. Or maybe I just need to add more weight. As with anything else, there are ups and downs. This week, I had two workouts that were just really hard, and one that was fantastic.  I don't know what makes one day great and the next awful --- them's just the breaks, I guess. Regardless, you just keep slogging away at it. At least, that's what I do. I pushed hard for today's workout, and it felt great. So two excellent workouts in one week, two hard, two average --- not bad.

One of the great things about working out so hard every day is that I really do NOT feel like eating afterwards. I often end up sort of combining lunch and my recovery drink into a healthy smoothie. My current drink is a cup of unsweetened chocolate almond milk, a scoop of protein powder, a cup of plain nonfat yogurt (if I'm having lunch as well as recovery; otherwise, I leave this out), and one serving of fruit (half a banana and some frozen cherries are a favorite combo). Sometimes I add a tablespoon of maple syrup if it needs to be sweeter, or some vanilla extract for extra flavor, and ice if I want a thicker, shake-like consistency.  It's really satisfying and I look forward to it after my workouts! Later in the afternoon, I need a snack --- carrot sticks and some peanut butter, or a couple of rice cakes --- and then I eat a good dinner with lots of veggies.

This is a singin' sort of weekend, too. Yesterday I had rehearsal, held auditions for Spotlight on Opera, made a brief recording, then headed back to school for the Celtic Music Festival.

This, incidentally, is the pic for March. I've been lax about posting monthly pics and I want to get back to it, especially since I hope subsequent months will enable me to show off some sexy girly muscles!

Tonight I am singing the mezzo solos for the Mozart Solemn Vespers at the university (often a duty of faculty members --- front the choir). It's spring already, but we've had a little cold snap, so I'm breaking out my red velvet gown just 'cause it's purty and I like it. And it will show off a little bit of aforementioned sexy girly muscles-in-training. Pics to follow!