The Next Hundred Pounds

GHOST STORY

I'm proud of myself today for using my time wisely. Monday is a very long and tiring teaching day, but I do have about an hour and a half between students in the afternoon, and that is just enough time to run to the gym. I did half an hour on the elliptical and had enough time to shower and re-glamorize before my final two students of the day. It would be so much easier if I could show up to my lessons in sweats and dirty hair, but diva that I am, it simply isn't in me. Anyway, now that I know I have the time to pull it off, no more sitting on my behind when I could be getting even a short workout in! It's a matter of keeping that gym bag packed and in the car.

I had a cancellation this afternoon, too, so I used that time to work on my Verdi Requiem music. Speaking of which, if you find yourself in the vicinity, I invite you to attend my upcoming performance on November 8 with the Brazos Valley Symphony. This is a very special and dear work to me and it will be my third time to perform it. The first time, I had the privilege of singing it with one of my dearest friends, tenor Gary Rideout, who passed away in 2007. It was always wonderful to sing with Gary, and especially to sing the Requiem, because the tenor and mezzo soloists do a lot of their singing in duet throughout the work, often in close harmony. I loved blending our voices together. It was the last time we sang together professionally. On my desk, in front of me as we speak, is a photo of Gary and me after that performance. I'm hugging him and he's making a funny face. That was Gary. He could always be counted on to misbehave.

My second performance took place in 2003, very shortly after my father, Robert Sadler, had died. Here's a little Halloween ghost story for you. The performance took place in an auditorium with stadium seating; the stage is at the bottom and the audience is all above the stage. At one point while I was singing, I looked up into the audience and I could swear I saw my dad there. I knew it was him because he wasn't dressed up at all --- he was wearing the old jumpsuit he used to wear around the family farm, and looked comfortable. When I looked again, he was gone. Now, at the moment, this seemed perfectly normal to me and was not at all startling or upsetting. But that isn't the ghost part. 

The last movement the mezzo sings is the hardest for her --- the Lux Aeterna, which requires very fine, pianissimo singing at the end of the evening, when one might expect to be a little tired. It's also one of the most beautiful movements. And the words are also very beautiful:

Let everlasting light shine on them, O Lord
with your saints forever:
for Thou art merciful.

Grant them eternal rest, O Lord;
and let perpetual light shine upon them.
With your saints forever
for Thou art merciful. 

On my website, the sound clip of the Lux Aeterna is from this very performance. At the time, I felt it was some of the best singing I've ever done. But on with the tale:

After the performance, a chorister who I did not know well came up to me and said, "While you were singing the Lux Aeterna, I saw that you were surrounded by angels. They were hovering all around you. And I saw your father standing next to you, listening. He looked so happy."

Ever since then, I have always looked for my dad at performances. I've never seen him again, but sometimes I know he's there. (He prefers the comedies).  

This time around, when I am singing this work which means more to me than any other I've ever performed, I'll be looking out for two people.

***

None of that has much to do with fitness and health,but it's what on my mind this evening, and I thought you might like to hear about it. As for food today, I did pretty darn well. Good choices, stayed vegetarian if not vegan. I have to say, though, I'm starting to crave meat. Tomorrow night I'm taking my mom out for her birthday dinner, so I will probably indulge just a little then.

I don't know if I'm losing weight this Boot Camp, but I certainly am feeling good. And tomorrow is another running day. Can't wait!

NO OBSTACLES, NO EXCUSES

Oof, I am tired today. Teaching seven lessons in a row will do that to you --- rewarding, but also exhausting. And I'd like nothing better than a very large glass of red wine right now, but I shall refrain due to over-carb-ination at dinner time.

Sammy, Lila, and I started the day with a brisk walk through the mist --- it was raining lightly the whole time, but this did not deter us and there was much chasing of squirrels, so I got a little jogging in, too. The key to getting your workout in is to, like the Boy Scouts, be prepared. Actually, that's pretty much the key to success at Boot Camp. Don't give yourself extra obstacles; don't give yourself the opportunity to make excuses.

I have a clothing rack in my bedroom and my workout togs pretty much go straight from the laundry basket onto that rack, organized into complete outfits. All I have to do is grab the appropriate one, put it on, and go. If I am planning to work out in the morning, I put on my workout gear as soon as I get up. Then I am ready to go, no excuses, no delays.

Food prep is the same deal.  On days when I teach at school, I prep my lunches while we're prepping dinner. On days like today, when I'm home but very busy, I do the same. No excuses!

So, today my Boot Camp grade is a B. I did not succeed in eating vegan, so this is my one day of the week to go off. Mom and I went to dinner at Kerbey  Lane Cafe, which I love, and I planned to try their veggie plate.

Yeeeeeccccccccch. And I don't often say that about KLC. The grilled eggplant was cold, the cauliflower gratin was hardly identifiable as a veggie, the basil risotto was a congealed lump of gooey rice with no discernible basil flavor, and none of it had much taste. I sent it back and got the tomato pie instead. (Highly recommended).

I ended up getting more fat and carbs than I'd intended, and thus the B rating. Otherwise, I did well. I wish I could have gotten in more exercise but on a day when I'm teaching seven voice lessons, there is little energy left over for anything else. But tomorrow, it's another running day. And my togs are ready!

Mom and I had a discussion over dinner. She wants to get to the bottom of why she has yo-yo dieted all her life. She wants to put an end to the cycle. I told her that I think the reason some of us do this is because, quite simply, it's how we're wired, and it takes a great deal of work to change the bad eating habits we drift into, because they are also all tangled up with our emotions. I also think that we have to acknowledge that we will never be completely free of our food-related desires, and that there will always be periods where we have to reign ourselves in and get back on track. It's just the way things are, and it doesn not imply a moral failing on our parts. It's just something we have to do, if we want to be healthy. I believe that if we acknowledge this and accept it, we can let go of some of the frustration and guilt associated with our food relationships, and we can learn to manage them. And that, good management, is my ultimate goal.

ANNIVERSARY

Two years ago today, I made a decision that changed my life. After struggling with my weight for my entire adult life (and most of my childhood), I committed to learning to manage the problem once and for all. A friend recommended Dr. Judith Beck's book, The Beck Diet Solution, and it became my jumping-off point for taking control of my relationship with food. 

Above: October 2007 (I have no pics from September of that year)

I've made many discoveries along the way, not the least of which is that figuring out what works for me and sticking to it (even if the experts say it's not the best or most effective way to do things) is the key to my longterm success. I've worked very hard to be brutally honest with myself about what and how much I am eating, and why. My husband Eric and I have radically changed our diets, without depriving ourselves of the foods we really like, and our tastes have changed radically as well. We're part-time vegans (generally speaking ,we don't use animal products at home, but we'll sometimes have them when we're out, and I do eat meat from time to time).

There have been some significant milestones: my first one hundred pounds lost. Breaking my wrist and keepin' on truckin'. The New York Times video that was done in June 2007 and the followup last year. Figuring out that I could actually run and not die.

Physically and mentally, there have been many changes. I weigh about 130 pounds less than I did when I started, and have been maintaining for about seven months now. In November of last year, I officially reversed my Type II Diabetes. I am now in good enough physical shape to run for 25 minutes consecutively, and am training for my first 5K. To celebrate this anniversary, I've just enrolled in a series of Bikram yoga classes (I'm told this is a great complement to running and also to weight loss).

Above: September 2008

My relationship with food and with my body have changed a lot too. The whole idea of eating the wrong thing or too much of it isn't so scary; if it happens, as it does from time to time, I know how to manage it and get back on track. I don't agonize about every bite that goes in my mouth and I don't fear losing control at parties. This continues to evolve: just last week in New York, I allowed myself to eat what and when I wanted, and it turned out that I didn't want that much food and only had a couple of small indulgences. (I still struggled, feeling fat when I got home, but today's visit to the scale showed me that in fact I did just fine).

From the beginning I told myself that I wouldn't set a goal weight, that when my body was done losing, I'd know. At some point, that changed, and I did settle on an approximate goal. While I still hope to reach that goal, about thirty pounds away, right now my body isn't ready for it. I've been struggling with this mentally quite a lot, but I think I am ready to make an official commitment that for the next three months, my focus is going to be entirely on fitness and not on weight loss. It's been evolving that way anyway, and it's clear that I can maintain very well as I have been doing. Maybe it's time to declare temporary victory and come back to weight loss at a future date, if I need to.

My activity level has slacked off in the past few months; yes, I'm running regularly and most nights we walk for an hour, but I hit the gym less frequently. It's time to find some new activities that burn more calories and improve my overall fitness. Stuff I like and will stick with --- thus the Bikram yoga. I love yoga but haven't practiced regularly for at least four years, so the last time I did it I was fat. I'm looking forward to experiencing yoga in my new body. Eric and I are also trying very hard to make time for hiking again --- something we've always enjoyed doing but haven't been able to carve out time for lately. We have a date to go on the Death March next Thursday, so keep your fingers crossed that it doesn't rain!

One of the impetuses for my weight loss was my dear friend Gary Rideout, another opera singer who had become a personal trainer and remade his body entirely. Gary was inspirational in many ways, and he always supported me and lovingly wanted me to be healthier. He passed away two years ago this week; ironically, the news came to me when I was in a voice lesson, and to celebrate his life, I chose to work on the Lux aeterna from the Verdi Requiem, a work Gary and I had sung together (in fact, I did my first Verdi Requiem with him). In a few weeks, I will be singing this most beloved work again. Full circle.

I'd like to thank the many people both in my real life and out here in cyberspace who read, comment, and support me. Thank you for continuting to read this blog and comment. I hope you'll stay with me --- the journey is far from over! And who knows, one day I may be able to say I've hit my goal. Until then, I'm just enjoying the ride.

September 2009

ROCK ON IN RIVERSIDE PARK

I did something really radical yesterday.

I allowed myself to eat what I wanted instead of worrying about nutrition and calories. And it turned out that even though it was a really long, busy, active day, I didn't want very much food at all. It turned out that, okay, even though I probably shouldn't eat like that every day, calorie-wise I did just fine.

Not to bore you with the deets of my eats, but I did my run (more anon), then met a friend for breakfast and had a whole grain waffle with a couple of poached eggs. Much later that afternoon, surprisingly un-hungry after an intensive musical coaching on the Verdi Requiem, I knew I needed to eat something before my voice lesson later. Starbuck's was the most convenient location, and I love it that they have to post calorie counts on all their food (at least, they do in NYC). The most appealing item was the cheese and fruit plate, which normally I'd dismiss as too high fat, but darn it, it's what I wanted and it was under 400 calories, which is perfectly reasonable for lunch. And it kept me happy through a voice lesson in which my beloved teacher kicked my butt repeatedly for well over an hour (after popping out about the 15th high Bb in a row, I said to Gregory in good-natured exasperation, "You do remember that I'm a mezzo, right?" He was making me WORK!). I was completely wiped after that lesson. Dinner was matzo ball soup and half a cobb salad, and after that I was stuffed.

But I woke up this morning at 4:30 a.m. absolutely starving and with that "losing weight" feeling which I haven't experienced in FAR too long. (Weirdly, I can always feel when the fat is dissolving, or whatever it is. I don't know how to describe the sensation, but I've had it all my life). Yesterday I think I ended up doing quite well calorie-wise and not too badly nutritionally; today I'll strive for a little more nutritional balance. But it is good to know that I can eat what I really want and be trusted to make good choices. More than that: I can trust my body now not to want too much of naughty things. Well, at least I could, yesterday.

I cherished my run yesterday in Riverside Park. I love the broad, shady avenues and the beautiful plantings; running by the river with the boats and the lovely overlooks. I love running past all the happy, happy dogs; every kind from a tiny Yorkie to a gigantic, shaggy Irish wolfhound. Wouldn't life be wonderful, I thought, if we could all be made so joyful just by someone throwing a ball for us? Or by running along next to your best friend, affectionately biting his face (and getting affectionately bitten in return)? Dogs are so unreserved in their happiness. It made me happy to see it.

It also made me extremely happy to see Fit Dad, rocking bright purple bike shorts and running behind a stroller containing his well-bundled, sleepy baby; happier still to see the determined old gentleman, shuffling along as fast as he could go, his feet barely leaving the ground but he was By God Jogging. Eight-five if he was a day, and he kept it up for quite a while, too. And the elderly lady with braces on both her legs, terry wristbands, and a sporty red bandana tied around her head, a la Olivia Newton-John in one of those 1980's movies about Jazzercise; life had bent her back but it wasn't stopping her from running, either. God bless 'em; they are an inspiration. I hope one day that will be me. 

Oh. And I finally passed a skinny person. I was actually running faster. Never mind that she had probably already done 10 miles or something, I passed her. I rock.

And now, apropos of nothing, I've decided that I want to try Bikram yoga. Wonder if I can find a class later this afternoon, if I'm not dead from more Verdi?

THIS IS NOT A RUNNING BLOG

I promise that this is not going to turn into a running blog. But right now running is my fitness challenge, and it never ceases to surprise me how much I kinda sorta like it. There I will be, innocently walking along, and all of a sudden my body sneakily says, "You know, we could be running. It would feel good." And it just amazes me that I have come to this point. Runners always look so miserable. You never see anyone jogging along with a big smile on their face. They always look like they're trying to climb out of the 7th circle of hell, stumbling along, gasping for breath.

Turns out that's just concentration. It's easy to slip into your own little world while you're running (especially if you have nice, boring, repetitive music with a good beat; that's the kind I like to run to; I also like to memorize whatever opera I'm workin on while running). It's kind of soothing, mentally; there are so few spaces in our busy lives for this kind of concentration.

No, runners are not miserable. No, no, no. Dedicated runners luuuuuurrrrrvvve running beyond all reason and they will try real real hard to lure you into their sick little cult. People keep trying to make me read books about running or buy running products or talk to me about the best kind of shoes or anti-chafing lube or technical words like pacing, but here's the thing: all I really care about right now is putting one foot in front of the other and keeping going.

I do not consider myself an athlete. I do not live to sweat, to beat the crap out of other people over the possession of a $10 ball, or to be the fastest or strongest or most anything. Opera is my sport. I will most definitely kick your ass with my rendition of "Mon couer s'ouvre a ta voix", but while I enjoy the occasional game of softball or football and I adore getting abused by a well-qualified personal trainer, I'd rather take an advanced calculus test while having my cavities filled without benefit of Novacaine rather than watch any sport on TV. And I could care less whether your 70-year-old spandex-clad hiney leaves mine in the dust on the jogging trail (in fact, I will probably be cheering for you).

People like me can come to love exercise, but we have to do it OUR way. Pushing us is not going to help. (Half the time one of the reasons we dislike it is because we have memories of some overzealous elementary school gym teacher or junior high coach who thought "motivate" and "humiliate" were interchangeable words, or who had no idea how or interest in making phys ed fun for the non-sporting types). The only way you can really change anything about yourself --- your relationship with food, your exercise habits, balancing your checkbook --- is to find what motivates you and what makes it possible for you to stick with your routine.

I find it harder these days to make time to exercise the way I did when I was working so hard to lose 130 pounds. Losing that weight really took over my life for about a year and a half, and that was about as long as I could sustain that pace. Now I am working on finding what works in the long run, and constantly on my mind is how and whether I can start losing that last 30 pounds.

Running seems to be part of that. It's something that is easy to do and requires little equipment; I can do it wherever I travel; and at home all I have to do is walk out the door to be in my workout environment. Most importantly, I feel inclined to do it. It really surprises me that I like having a training schedule so much; turns out I need the structure. I don't know what I'm going to do with C25K is over.

But I'm sure some runner friends will have ideas for me. :)

JUST BECAUSE IT TASTES GOOD

On one of my singer boards, there's been a discussion about eating. A poster asked,  rather plaintively, "Doesn't anybody eat food just because it tastes good?" She said that that's her primary motivation for eating, and that she will simply not eat if the food available isn't appetizing --- sometimes very little for several days., like when she visits home (she dislikes her family's cooking). She does not have a weight problem.

It got me thinking about how truly individual our issues with food are. I am with the poster on the issue of not eating if the food isn't appetizing (although this is a relatively new development for me). One of the things I discovered while doing Beck was that I am not particularly upset by being hungry. This, apparently, is somewhat unusual. Most people I know intensely dislike being hungry, and many of them are actually afraid of being hungry. The thought of skipping a meal makes them quite anxious.

My husband really can't stand it. If he waits to eat until he's really hungry, he will start "pre-eating" his meal and end up eating much more than he needs. He'll eat bread and peanut butter while I'm preparing dinner, and then a full dinner, and he may eat something else after that if he still doesn't feel satisfied --- and then, shortly thereafter, he realizes he's eaten too much and he's uncomfortable or unhappy. I think a lot of people have this problem.

I feel lucky not to have an emotional reaction to hunger. Sure, I get cranky when I haven't eaten, or haven't eaten enough. But it doesn't actually upset me when meals are delayed,  or when I have a  growly tummy. Chances are, if I just get busy with something I'll forget all about it. And in fact, since I changed the way I eat and how much I exercise, it's rare for me to experience stomach hunger at all, even if I haven't eaten much that day. (Low blood sugar is the bigger problem --- I get woozy, or extremely low energy, or headachey, and invariably stupid). It's funny, but I remember being hungrier more often when I was eating more, bad quality stuff.

But back to the original issue --- "doesn't anyone eat just because it tastes good? What does hunger have to do with it?" Our original poster said she would eat and eat if something tasted good, hunger be damned, and wouldn't eat at all if it didn't.

I don't have a metabolism that can sustain that; nor do I have a natural "off switch" that some people seem to have when it comes to stopping when they've had enough. Thanks to some hard work and retraining my brain, I can stop, without too much effort or regret, but there is effort and there is often regret. Although I refuse to eat food that isn't appetizing or healthy, choose food I like, and never deprive myself, I also know that eating just because it tastes good will never, ever work for me. It only works for people with an off switch, or who will naturally compensate. Like my nephew.

My fifteen year old nephew, who my husband and I have nicknamed Fish Boy for reasons which shall shortly become obvious, is an muscular athlete who dislikes sweets and soft drinks. He prefers to drink milk. His mom doesn't like fish, so he never gets it at home. Therefore,when they visit, Eric and I load him up with seafoody goodness. The last time he was here, Fish Boy consumed about two pounds of shrimp and grilled salmon at one sitting. --- this is not an exaggeration. I think he might have eaten more if it had been available. He didn't eat anything else until lunch the next day!

I probably would have had breakfast anyway, even if I was still stuffed full of fish. Or at least, I would have had to persuade myself not to.

And this is what I think some people do not understand about those of us who struggle with our relationship with food: it's incredibly hard. And not just in a "waah waaah, I'm too lazy to do anything about it" way. I get so mad at those folks I like to call the "Nyah Nyah Fatties", the people who think they're offering tough love by telling us to "just put down the Twinkie" or "just get off your butt". They don't get that it's not easy, it's not simple, it's not a matter of mere willpower, laziness, or lack of discipline. There is something more there, and it's hard-wired into us, or at the very least, it's a fairly deep-seated part of our makeup. It may be due to environment or genetics, or both, but it's there. If you don't have it, I can see how it would be very hard to understand. (I myself have a very hard time "getting" how people can utterly lack a sense of rhythym or the ability to tell whether a pitch played on the piano is higher or lower than the one preceding it --- but that is because I am a musician down to my DNA).

So, hard as it is to ignore the Nyah Nyah Fatty types, it must be done. It's okay to acknowledge that it's hard to put down that Twinkie --- even though it's embarrassing to do so. It's okay to have to work at it every single time, because if you do work at it, you will eventually begin to be successful more often than not. And each successful forges another link in your armor. It may never be natural, it may never be really easy, but it will be easier over time.

And while you're at it, acknowledge that what's ridiculously difficult for you might be really easy for someone else, while you have your own silly sticking points. We are wonderful, different individuals, not machines. None of us fit into a mold and we shouldn't waste energy trying. Instead, do what YOU need to do, and be okay with that.

So there.

Nyah, nyah, nyah.

A Change in Me

All these beautiful people you see in these two photos are the reason you haven't heard much from me for the past several weeks. They have sucked up all my time, kept me from exercising, and force fed me barbecue on at least two occasions.

Well, at any rate, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. And it's not like I didn't love every minute of it. But alas, Spotlight on Opera 2009 is over, and it's time to get back to the other departments of my life. As much as I will miss my Spotlight students, I am thrilled to be getting back to my own singing. I adore directing and bossing other people around almost as much as I do singing, but ultimately nothing trumps performing in my own soul.
I'm excited to be preparing for two concerts of opera excerpts and also for my favorite work of all time, the Verdi Requiem.

And also, as of today, we are BACK ON PROGRAM. Food plan, check. OK, technically, I didn't write one, but I did outline it mentally.

90% vegan diet, check. Heroically, I am passing on the leftovers from last night's cast party feast at The County Line to my mother. I have eaten more meat in the past week than in the previous six months. And it was gooood. But, just as if I were an 18th century peasant, meat is to be reserved for special occasions.

Exercise, check. OK, i's not 10 a.m. yet and we have to unload props and equipment from the van, run errands, and generally do a lot of post-program cleanup (both physical and virtual). But I do plan to hit the gym later this afternoon and, tonight when it's cooler, I fully intend to begin my Couch to 5K training.

I'll be writing a lot more about CT5K, the Livestrong Challenge, and training, but since I need to get off my booty and down to work, I want to end with this.

For the past three weeks, I have had very little time to plan and prepare healthy food, and plenty of opportunities to eat things I shouldn't, or eat too much. There have been parties, there have been outings, I've been exhausted and overwhelmed and it would have been very, very easy to tell myself that I "deserved" a treat or "just this once" I could let my guard down. And those thoughts did enter my mind from time to time. But they were immediately followed by thoughts that I really didn't want to. I am enjoying my body more than ever. It's been a horrifically hot summer in Texas, and for the first time I can remember since childhood, I have worn tank tops every single day without worrying about how my arms look, without a sense of resignation that I had to make a choice between physical and mental comfort.

That's not to say there haven't been indulgences, but given how little I was eating the rest of the time (and, I might add, not missing the food!!! Not thinking about food!!! My God, I actually forgot to eat a couple of times!!!) it's all balanced out, even without regular exercise.

And last night, we had the cast party at County Line, which is a minefield of temptation. They have a sign that says "Eat here, diet at home." It is impossible not to take that to heart. But frankly, I was so busy having a great time visiting with my singers that I didn't eat that much. I gave away a lot of my food and brought home over half of what was left. Because, maybe for the very first time ever at a party, food was not the focus for me. That's a really embarrassing thing to write, to admit a fascination with food, but that's often the case for people who tend to overeat. You put a big plate of something good in front of us and it's all we can think about until it's gone. It's almost automatic. And for all this time I've been working so hard to lose weight, almost two years now, I have planned what I was going to eat at gatherings almost obessively, controlling so carefully so I could enjoy myself without going overboard.

So that's why this is such a huge, huge, deal for me. I think that it's quite possible that, for the past three weeks, I have actually been eating like a skinny person. Naturally, without having to think about it too much. It's a marvelous corner to turn, and I am so excited by the possibility that I might really, truly have changed my relationship with food this much.

Last night, someone gave me one of the nicest compliments since I started this whole thing. He said, "You know, you're one of the few people I know who's lost a lot of weight and yet it hasn't changed your personality." He said that a lot of people he knew who lost a lot were not happy.

My theory on this is that I was a happy, well-adjusted person even before the weight loss. I didn't lose weight to fix my life, and therefore, losing weight has only allowed me to be more myself, to realize more potential, perhaps. I think that if you lose weight to fix problems that have nothing to do with your weight, you're still going to have those problems when you're skinny, and you'll still be unhappy. Losing weight will make you feel better. It will improve your health. It will not make you popular, or smarter, or a better employee, or a better lover. And if you lose weight for the wrong reasons, it's unlikely to be successful in the long run. You have to do it for yourself because it's what you want, and you have to find the way to do it that works for you, no matter how long it takes.

But I really am proof that with the right motivation and methods, it can work. If my relationship with food and my own body can change so radically, I think it's possible for many people -- not all, but many.

TEMPTATION EXPERIMENTATION

The "I'm running an opera program and have no time to eat" plan is really agreeing with me so far. I've dropped three more of those hideous travel pounds and am beginning to feel like I'm getting out of the danger zone (that spot where I am just too close for comfort to a weight I really, really never want to see again). Four days a week, I am essentially running from 2 p.m. to 9 p.m., usually without a break. On those days, I do not even notice what I eat or that I've eaten it. I don't have time to think about food. This means careful planning, so I do have something healthy that can be popped in the piehole and consumed quickly, for fuel; but surprisingly this works just fine. There was a time when I would have obsessed about what I was going to eat and would have felt deprived if I hadn't had something "good". I probably would have gone home and eaten a huge bowl of ice cream, or something smothered in cheese, or both. Now I actually look forward to the relief of not caring about what I'm eating, because I'm too busy (and having too much fun) to pay attention.

Speaking of food and not paying attention, I feel slightly guilty for feeding my Spotlight on Opera students food I myself would never eat. We've had a couple of get-togethers at my house, and I have prepared meals for people because they're usually coming straight from work. Lacking in time and budget, this meant getting frozen lasagnas or hamburgers from Sam's Club. Stuff I would never serve at a dinner party for friends, or buy for myself.

Now, don't get me wrong. Nobody complained about the food ---quite the opposite. People happily scarfed it down. I quietly made my own veggie lasagna or tuna burger, favored jicama over tortilla chips, and limited dessert consumption. Interestingly, I don't think anyone noticed that I was eating something different from everyone else.

Perhaps to torture myself, perhaps to test myself, I tasted a tiny bite of lasagna, and at a later dinner, a piece of hamburger. Yeeeeeecccch to both. The lasagna tasted like it was made out of plastic; the burger had to be 75% fat. Back in February, someone brought Hot Pockets to a get-together and I tasted one experimentally, and spit it back out. Seriously? It's just disgusting food. You can taste the chemicals and the filler.

I'm not saying all this to demonstrate superiority, but rather because since beginning to eat real, whole foods, my tastes have changed dramatically and I cannot believe the poor quality that is acceptable to most people, even though I myself used to eat that way. I'm glad I did my little experiment, though --- it showed me that I'm not missing a thing, and needn't be tempted.

Ice cream continues to be an endless temptation. High quality baked goods. Homemade walnut-pecan butter. There are plenty of temptations out there, and I will always have to be on guard against overindulging in certain things. But I'm happy to know that there are some foods on the planet that do not call my name!

WAS IT OR WASN'T IT A BINGE?

My weight loss graph for July looks like a line drawing of mountain peaks: up and down, up and down ... but at least it always ends down. This week, challenges have included getting myself motivated to go to the gym (I always end up going, but boy, some days it's hard!) and restricting the nibbling (never can seem to eliminate it; but I can manage it. Let's face it, some battles you just are not going to win)! We're also walking just about every day. I enjoy the walks and secretly (or not so secretly) wish that they were enough to ensure continued weight loss or at least maintenance; but they're not, so that's that. I am also trying to do the E2 workout twice a week, since I can't seem to bring myself to do strength training without the guidance of a personal trainer. Let me tell you, it kicks butt. I am still sore from Monday's session. But I'm sticking with it. I have fantasies of one day being able to do P90X.

Next challenge up: travel. I'll be heading out for New York early early tomorrow, and I always have to watch myself extra carefully on the road. I'll be staying in a friend's apartment, so I should be able to cook for myself most of the time. I only have one restaurant meal planned, and I get to pick. So, the plan is to hit the grocery store when I get in, and keep it simple:

Cereal, fruit, and soy milk for breakfast; extra fruit for snacks
Chickpeas and black beans
Whole wheat pita or a couple of ww rolls
Big bag of salad, 1-2 carrots, cucumber, avocado to make salads and wraps

(Quick plug, since food is on the brain: last night we had the Sweet Potato Bowl from the E2 Diet book, and it was colorful and yuuuuummmmmmmeeeeee! For anyone who is looking for some simple, quick, tasty, and healthful meals you can throw together with very little effort, I highly recommend this book.)

I don't want to buy too much, since I'm only there a few days and some meals I will probably end up grabbing on the go. Happily, salad bars abound in NYC; and you can always pop into the corner bodega for some yogurt or cottage cheese and fruit. I also travel with Think Thin protein bars, which make a great snack or emergency meal. Finding healthy food in a big city like NYC isn't the problem; it's that dreaded "vacation mentality". I'm away from home, therefore I am on holiday and can eat should eat deserve to eat oh hell, WANT to eat with abandon.

My solution: one small treat a day. One "indulgence" meal out during the trip. I've learned the hard way that it just doesn't work for me to let go, even temporarily. It's too hard to get back on track. I always have, eventually, but it's just not worth it in terms of ground lost; and I am working very, very hard right now to recover lost ground. It is a struggle every single day.

And yet, the struggle is worth it. That's the question I keep asking myself, and the question I think it is important for anyone trying to lose weight to regularly ask. Is what I am doing right now to lose weight worth it to me in the long run? Can I sustain this, or is it so extreme that at some point I will be unable to keep it as a lifestyle and start gaining the weight back?

Speaking of these ponderings, recently someone pointed me to a blog post in which the writer took issue with my use of the word "binge" to describe an incident that happened back in February. Apparently, I did not eat enough for this to qualify as a binge in her opinion, and in her opinion, this makes my relationship with food "weird". We've had a cordial exchange over the matter, but it makes me think (and well, okay, it makes me feel defensive, too. Just a tad).

This is a blog about health, weight loss, and dieting. If diet talk makes you crazy or bores you, this is probably not the place for you. This blog has been a terrific tool for me in my own efforts. It takes an enormous amount of daily effort to stay in control, and I do think a lot about food, nutrition, exercise, and general health.

What I don't do is talk about them all the time outside of this blog. This is the place in my life for this conversation, hopefully with interested parties. I can't think of anything more boring than sitting around talking about what you eat (except maybe talking about NASCAR, or TV shows you don't watch, or someone's gastrointestinal woes). Sure, it comes up in conversation, but I think what's bugging me here is the idea that someone is characterizing me as someone who can't talk about anything else. This is my blog, not my life. I do have other interests. :)

Also, IMHO, one of the keys to success in any field is not to let others define what's right, what's appropriate, or what success means for you. I tell my consultation clients this all the time. Only you get to decide what it means to be successful. Only you get to decide what works for you. Until I accepted this, and started to figure out what worked for me and what didn't, what I was willing to do and what I wasn't, I was not able to lose and keep off major poundage.

So yes, that was a binge. Perhaps it wasn't a classically defined food binge, in terms of eating everything in sight and continuing to eat to fill an emotional hunger rather than a physical one (which I certainly have done before), but more importantly, it was a psychological binge. It could have been the first step down a slippery slope, except that I caught it and figured out what I was doing and why. That, to me, is the significant thing here. It hasn't happened since, probably because I think I now know how to recognize the triggers.

I'm grateful for the criticism, actually, because I do think the conversation about women's relationships with food and body image is a very important one. I do think it's very important to be aware of when enough is enough, and to be realistic about that. To realize that there are no shortcuts and that the only thing that is really going to work longterm is lifestyle change. On another of my boards, a debate is raging over whether one should go on Releana and a 500-calorie-a-day (!!!!!) diet to lose those last 10 pounds. Sad to say, the first thing I thought was "wow, if it works ...". And then I started looking at what you had to do to get those last 10 pounds off, and I thought it was insane. Inject yourself with a hormone found in the urine of pregnant women, and eat a starvation diet for three weeks, after which you have to go on an Atkins-type diet?  Honey, anybody who eats only 500 calories a day is going to lose weight fast, and probably put it back on faster.

Part of my personal mission is to keep track of the "crazy thoughts" and to keep listening, carefully, to my body. This is not going to be sustainable if I succumb to trends and fads or if I try to take my body where it's not meant to go. Someone once accused me of wanting to be a size 0, and that made me laugh --- there is no way, short of starvation or illness, that my body could ever go there, and it's never been a goal.

Health is the goal. Everything else is icing on the cake.

SHINING UP THE TOOLS

Now that I'm allowing myself to really examine where I've gone wrong over the past few months, I realize that I've let some of the tools that were so valuable to me in the beginning get a little rusty.

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend who is ready to make some changes and wanted to pick my brain about what had worked for me. I geared up with lots of "show and tell", including my daily food plan, a shelf's worth of books, and my inspirational jewelry. As I shared them with her, it occurred to me that I haven't worn my inspiration bracelet or necklace in a long time.  The handy little book of response cards that for many months accompanied me wherever I went now sits, unopened, on a shelf next to my desk. I haven't reviewed a list of reasons why I want to lose weight or written any new response cards in months.

At one time, these items were invaluable reminders and aids, and I've made attempts to refresh them, but ultimately, they simply don't resonate as they once did. To a large degree I have internalized them. I often find myself repeating the most important mantras to myself: "It's just food ... there will be more ... I can have some another time." "I'll be really unhappy if I eat past fullness." (Used that one this morning at breakfast, and 10 minutes later, I was SO happy I did).

Another important tool that I have allowed to rust is the idea of giving myself credit. This morning over breakfast, as I pushed away a plate of whole wheat apple pancakes that I would have LOVED to finish, although I had had plenty, I thought about it for the first time since ... I don't know when. I thought, "Hey! I deserve credit for stopping when I'm full! I deserve credit for skipping the butter and for subbing lower fat mozzarella and more veggies in the omelette. I deserve credit for dragging myself to the gym the other day when I really wanted to lie on the bed and finish reading my book!"

So, now I'm thinking about what else I may have forgotten, and how to refresh and renew some of these tools that worked so well in the past, or find new ones. One tool that has never failed me is the food plan. Although there are times when I get busy and skip a day of writing it down, I never fail to at least mentally plan what I will have. (Writing is better).

Currently, I'm trying to plan several days in advance. It helps with scheduling time for food prep, as well as budgeting. My husband and I really enjoy shopping together, and we make a little event of it, getting up early, having breakfast out, doing the shopping and errands. Afterward, I do some preliminary food prep (washing salads and fruit, trimming things like radishes and removing grapes from stems so they're ready to eat) and usually I will make one or two quick dishes, such as hummus or fresh salsa. I've also started organizing the shelves in my fridge so that all the prepped fruit is in one place; all the prepped veggies in another; leftovers on yet another. It makes it very easy to quickly locate items I need for meal prep.

Things I need to work on:
Not nibbling (no grabbing little extra bites --- they count!)
Accountability (keeping the weight graph, weighing regularly)
Honesty (no fooling myself!)

What are your particular challenges? What do you most need to work on in your own journey to better health?