It's been a really crazy week! On Saturday, I took my last TRX class and sadly said a last goodbye to all the wonderful women at Ironflower Fitness. The staff gifted me with a goodie bag with a towel, water bottle, and itsy-bitsy tank top (which I actually can get on, but would not wear outside the house, at least not yet). I will miss them, and I'll really miss that kickboxing class and the TRX class! I hope I can find something equally cool at my next gig, Princeton.
I am already missing the daily workouts. Between the show and a crazy travel schedule, the only workout I did this week was a whole lot of yardwork --- mowing, pruning, planting, hauling limbs and sacks of debris. You see, I had a few days off between shows, and couldn't resist the opportunity to go home, especially since I'll only be there for about two weeks before the next gig. So I flew in, got a few Dachshund saliva facials, did some errands and yardwork, picked my husband up at the airport, and yesterday morning we got on a plane back to Miami for my last two shows. On Sunday, we start the drive home.
I've decided to make the most of the drive by doing short, intense sets of cardio or strength at each pit stop. So if you see a crazy woman doing burpees and air squats at a rest stop in Mississippi, or taking a couple of laps around one in Louisiana, that might be me. Honk as you drive by. Better yet, stop and join me!
There may not have been much exercise this week, but I've done very well with sticking to my program of no grains and very restricted sugar. It's not an issue when eating at home; the only difficulty I have in staying on program is when eating out in restaurants where you're presented with so many carbalicious choices. There, I just do the best I can to choose veggies, protein, and fruit, and skip bread, rice, potatoes, and all the little extras like croutons. I'm not saying a few French fries haven't found their way into the ol'piehole or that I don't have a meal "off" or two per week, but I'm focusing on filling up the plate with veggies and protein, and letting the grains and desserts be more in the way of "tastes" than full portions. It's working. It's completely satisfying.
Today, some friends and I were big ol' tourists and took an airboat ride in the Everglades. It was magnificent! We saw lots of birds and gators, and it was just really cool to be flying over what looked like a regular field ... except that it was a shallow river full of sawgrass.
We even held a baby alligator named Snappy.
I am almost done with my Florida experience (for now! I sure hope I'll get to come back!) and am happy to be heading back to spend a couple of weeks at home. I have enjoyed both opera houses, both casts, and both shows I've gotten to sing here; and of course, who wouldn't love Florida's beautiful outdoors! All the hiking, biking, and exploring have been amazing. Sarasota and Miami are completely different cities, but there is much to love about both of them. Yes, it's been a good experience here.
But it hasn't been perfect --- what is --- and there was a little incident last night which was really upsetting. It shouldn't be. It's no news that for some people, the Internet is a license to behave like a mannerless moron and to let any idiocy that springs to mind dribble from their fingertips onto the screen; things most of them would never have the moxie to say to your face. And in this case, it's compounded by that strange idea people have that anyone who is in the public eye --- no matter how remotely --- is somehow not a real human being, and is open to any kind of comment or criticism. This sort of thing does not happen to me very often. I'm not a celebrity of any kind in the opera world (I like to think of myself as an in-the-trenches sort of singer, slogging away and having a nice career, but unlikely to ever be famous). Still, it happens that sooner or later, anyone who is in the public eye even a little bit is going to be on the receiving end of uninformed, unsolicited, or simply uncomplimentary commentary from the general public. The internet makes this very easy. In this case, these casually nasty comments were hurtful because they were directed at my appearance. Hit a sensitive spot. Talking about it actually helps me get over it and move on. There is not really anything to be done anyway (it never helps to respond to such people and be dragged down into their dirt) except to recognize it for what it is and turn it around however you can. In my case, I'm getting it off my chest and moving on. And thinking about buying a punching bag, so I can continue those satisfying kickboxing workouts at home ...
"Wonder wonder wonder, why are we so determinedly perfectionistic about our appearance? Why hold on so tightly so rigidly to such a narrow impossibility of form?
You really have achieved so very very much, an incredible life with success in so many areas, I hope you (and all of us) can celebrate ourselves more often and focus on minor faults less often."
First, Jan, thanks for your kind words. And also, for your wise reminder. What a great way to phrase it --- "celebrate ourselves". I agree with you about the fruitless pursuit of perfection, rigid views about what we should look like, and focusing on minor faults while failing to celebrate our victories.
But this is part of the ongoing struggle. There's a difference between a realistic desire to be as healthy and fit as you can, and an unrealistic desire for a woman over 40 who has never been thin and isn't planning on hundreds of thousands of dollars' worth of surgery to look like a hardbodied teenager. There's a difference between wanting to be a size 12/14 and a size 0.
It's always been very important to me to be realistic about my goals --- I believe that in order to hav real success in long term major weight loss, it's critical to be realistic about your goals and what your body can achieve. So when I embarked on this journey, I did not set a goal weight. I promised myself that I would pay attention to my body and see where it started to "max out" on weight loss, the point at which it became so painful and difficult to lose that the struggle wasn't worth it. Where would my body be happy?
And when I got there, neither the number on the scale nor on the clothing tags were quite as low as I would have liked them to be. I really wanted to lose about another thirty pounds. But people kept saying to me, "No! Don't lose any more, you look great now!" And as it turned out, without drastic measures (which are impossible to maintain) I couldn't have lost any more, and I was pretty happy overall at that weight.
So fast forward a couple of years, and although I've continued to work out and am generally in much better shape than I was before, a goodly amount of poundage has crept back on, and I'm not pleased with that. Does this mean my past achievements suddenly don't count, or that I want to be perfect (whatever that means)? Not at all. I just want to stay healthy and feel comfortable in my body.
See, this is the tricky thing about maintenance. It's not like you land on a magic number and poof, home base, you're done. It's more like standing on a fence post and trying very hard not to fall off! As with all things in life, it's about balance. I am not sorry that I spent two years of my life literally working my ass off. It required a laser beam focus and a lot of extra time --- time and a focus I can no longer maintain with that intensity. This to me does not represent a failure, but an entry into a different phase of life. I struggled for years to find a way to lose weight and keep it off, to find a way of eating that worked for me, to get to the point where exercise could be a regular part of my life without being completely onerous --- and I found it. But it shouldn't surprise me now that I have to work just as hard to find out whatever it takes to keep me on track for the long term. Mainly, I suspect, it's nothing glamourous --- just lots of little decisions every day.
So, I appreciate posts like Jan's very much ---- a great reminder to be grateful for and mindful of past achievements, and to keep focused on the good. Still, in my mind, I'm not ready to come off the fence post. As hard as it is sometimes, finding the balance is worth it. And so is the view.